Again, I have returned to write another bullshit segment. The last time, I may have introduced myself and said some "hoorah" about maybe not writing in a long time, how I must  get back with it, and I may have mentioned other things or reasons why. I didn't read back to the first entry, yet. I'm sure I will after I finish this little article.

I have been in such bad financial turmoil that I fear I might be without power after tonight until sometime next week. I'm the only one in the bunch that lives with me that barely has income, and for the last three years it's been like some ongoing chaotic roller coaster ride.

I am working on getting all this back after this possible setback. But I'm being financially murdered, and I feel I'm on dire straits and will lose everything like I did in Washington state becoming homeless and not knowing anyone. I always feel like most of my relationships, friendships at times, and anyone else who trots my path, I'm always the one who is the breadwinner first, then they find a job and it was happily even and such, then to me being the breadwinner again barely able to take care of myself.

If I wasn't so soft-hearted, which I feel I'm the blame there, and if I didn't let this go on for over three years, maybe my situation would be way better. But I've now began working on being more firm and assertive, yet honest and fair about things. If things do not change within living here in my own house, I am going to have to crack down and.tell people it's time to move out, I cannot do this to my brother, but at the same time, this may be the only way he can apply himself and get his life bsck. My boyfriend is also on this list. 

I haven't been happy with him in a very long time. The complications as to why i haven't ended it with him, even when I have tried to tell him we aren't working out, we're not going to work out, and even trying to be verbally mean about it, he's still here. The thing is, me and my boyfriend would have had it made, and I could have wanted to marry him. We were close friends ten or eleven years before we hooked up. He always wanted to hook up with me. At first, I was not so sure. I liked him and such, but it took me time to gain that same attraction back with him. And we maintained this long term friendship while both of us were with other lovers. He wanted me even when he was with these exes, but we both also felt it may never happen. So we kept tbe friendship, and we maintained that until October, 2017. The truth is we've been together seven years next month. But i always felt that the first two years of our relationship, he would work, drink, and barely pay any attention to me. It got to where his drinking would get so bad that I either wanted him out or just not wanna be around him. He wasn't mean or isn't mean and abusive towards me like in the ways of hitting me or talking down to me, but he acted obnoxious and like a little boy.

Then after I get a few shots of Jack Daniels in me, I got to where i was a bit overly verbal to where i was cruel and rude. I do admit that was a mistake I did make on that there, and I know i should have approached it better. But the funny thing is, I have always tried to talk to him and such but it seems like he never heard me or listens to me as much as he says he does. So, I got a few drinks in me and it just blew up and out. After that incident, things were much better between me and him.

But then, this other drug was introduced to him over three years ago, and now it's almost as bad as his drinking. I feel like he has put me through chaos and hell mostly in this relationship because he always chooses addictions over me, and I never have him ultimatums. But this drug changed him. I feel he is worse than he was when he drank. He still kind of tosses me aside. He will wake up right then and there if it's being offered to him or if he has to go get it for either him or someone else. He's a chaser. And he can say he will change and quit all he wants, but for the last three years or more, he's proved fuck off to me. 

It almost killed him, literally. He almost died on me from mixing both this drug while drinking like he was. And he was acting like a nutcase where I felt i had to babysit him. He has embarrassed me by the way he acted on it when he first started. Now he's over all that, but he still gets weird, distant, and me and him just cannot seem to connect like we used to.

I care about him deeply, and I know I have some kind of love for him. But since the last three years, that love I once had for him, that potential of being nearly convinced he's the one I have may have ended in up marrying, seems to have just been fading away. And I know that it will fade into nothing and that my love for him is now getting to be where it's not the same, it's been fading away, and it is not where I love him in the way he claims he loves me.

I honestly don't think he is in love with me but like obsessed with me or obsessed with the idea of me or something. The love that he's supposed to be feeling for me does not seem like that connecting unconditional love in the ways where sexual and romantic intimacy is included. We barely have a sex life. That's another story too personal to tell, but let's just say that it just isn't there for him with me. I have cried my eyes out over that because that makes me feel both terrible and horrible that I feel this way. I don't even have the heart to tell him that. I mean we used to have great sexual passion, but for the last four years or over, it died in and with me. Something between us happened that seemed to have completely turned me off with him. Well some things have occurred. 

Me and him would of had it made, but he will always seem to battle addictions, struggle with himself in body, mind, and soul. Since this drug entered our lives, he can't keep a job or hold down one. He has lost at least three jobs because of his drug binges. And he ended up just like all the other men who put me through a similar hell, except my boyfriend was the first to never hit me or talk down to me or yell at me.

I probably should not have wrote that, but it's hard for me to talk about sad and rough things. And I rarely have anyone to talk to, no-one to help me out financially, drugs have seemed to consume not just my boyfriend, brother, and others but the whole town i live in, almost. I'm no saint. I'm not perfect. But i never ended up changing or stealing or doing anything that could nearly kill me either, and i don't have a need for certain things all the time. I'm a pothead, a stoner, a 420 friendly chick with the occasional beer or drink. Not much anything else.

I didn't change this relationship. He did. I am not the one ejo goes chasing it, acting like a jerk if I don't get it or sleep all the time and doing those runs for others of not him during the day. I get he's bored.  I'm bored. But I can't do the drugs he and all others I know who do it all the time like they can,and i rarely ever go chasing it or spend money on it.

What concerns me are his reactions when I've wanted him to leave, when I've kept trying to tell him that if he doesn't change soon I cannot be with him, or that i don't want to be with him anymore because we're incompatible and not working out. I mean i have tried, but I cannot kick him out in the streets because he has nowhere to go and no money. I can not do that to those i have feelings for, care, and love. I have been homeless out of state, I knew no-one, carrying pocket knives and pepper sprays so I wouldn't get hurt in some way, and being a stranger in a strange world. 

I have a degree in Creative Writing/English since 2021, and I've gotten nowhere with it yet. I feel like a dumb ass. I'm an artist. I hand draw different things, people, flowers, etc., and i do some graphic design, photo and video editing and making or creating art, andI do my face with my face swap apps,and other. I started hand drawing things in Spring of 2018 or maybe at the beginning of 2018's summer. I never knew I could draw. I didn't think i could hand draw to save my own or someone else's life. But I just read step by steps or copy the photo and make some similar replica out of them. For 31 years, I have first discovered and studied, learned, applied, and experienced and still studying, learning, applying, and experiencing my inborn gifts as an Empath and Clairsentient. I read tarot cards and perform reading the person or people in photos of I get sent any. I usually work with these two forms of divination tools. However, I can read regular playing cards (cartomancy) and oracle cards. Soon I'll be learning palmistry, pendulum dowsing, telepathy, and scrying through a crystal ball or learn to read candle flames, fire flames and smoke, and even the flame of a flickering tea candle. Each and every day the metaphysical and occult is always a lesson, exercise, studying, learning, applying and experiencing. But of course, you may also have a few days or weeks off once you seemed to have mastered whatever inborn gifts you have whether it's through just your mind or any divination tool.chosen. I do, real.soon, and will perform readings again at very reasonable rates and deals.

Thanks for letting me ramble in my Brainstorming Bullshit series. It maybe didn't make sense, but I feel better I was able to vent this off or get it out of me at this moment.

RUN DMC - You Talk Too Much. (Hit me to listen, yo!!!