An entire week of torpor, sleep deprivation, and a three day sugar bender did me no favors. I am fatter, tireder, and worse for the wear physically and moodwise. The past couple of weeks were painful. Our family pet died violently in front of us (seizures then hypoxia, which then triggered a sudden fatal arhythmia), half of us got the flu for a week, and I got slammed with school assignments; is it any wonder that I stopped exercising, had trouble sleeping, lost control of my healthy eating habits, and missed work?

Brainfogged and hung over on life, adulting took a monumental effort. I got the kids to school, canceled my chiropractor appointment, and took a quarter of my stimulant medication in the hopes of trying to get it together again. I am trying to dredge forth the courage to go for a walk, finish my assignements, clean up our living space, go grocery shopping, prepare food for my family, and get back to a place of homeostasis. 

The provider managing my medications asked why I don't just take my SSRI on a full time basis (for anxiety and depression) instead of just two weeks out of the month (for PMDD). I tried doing so, but found that the GI side effects were bothersome. That and I am loath to taking an antidepressant on a full time basis conceptually. I hate the stigma surrounding mental health and I am constantly reminding people that there is no shame in reaching out for help because depression is no different than diabetes or high blood pressure. And yet here I am judging myself and not showing myself the same understanding and kindness that I would bestow upon others.

And then I ask myself why I am feeling so low in the first place. Yes, crappy things are happening and happen on an ongoing basis because that is an unfortunate thread interwoven into the fabric of life. The crappy things are an inconvenience, yes, but they are on the periphery. What is at the root of this unhappiness? I cannot help but feel like I am missing out on my life's true purpose and ignoring it is causing me to embrace apathy; it doesn't matter what I do because I am not doing what I want to do. My job is just a way to pass the time. Taking care of my kids and their myriad wants and needs is just a way to pass the time. There is no spark or joie de vivre.

I want to do what I am supposed to do in life and be joyful again.