The freedom to say whatever I want.

As odd as this may seem with all my semi racist, mean, cruel posts over the years...I was actually dialing it back!

I have so many partners who die a little when they see bullshit and can't say anything for fear of losing their careers, or having their families fucked with etc.

I was pretty much on the fringe back then for 2 decades, to tell the truth I am shocked I never got fired over the years.

BUT IN MY DEFENSE...It was because the bosses needed some one to do the dirty work when it was needed.

Inmate acting up?  All the other cops looking at their fucking feet?  

I'd come in, not because I was super strong and tough, but because I flowed.

I didn't hesitate, I didn't go soft hands.

So from my AW down they would have me behind the glass.

I told my last Captain that "Don't call me in unless you are willing to break the fire glass."

Because I wasn't there to intimidate, I don't fit the part...I'm tall, ganky, nerdy.

Plus secretly, it was because before I would go in I would have to psych myself out, get my mind prepared to do violence with as little words as needed.

After awhile, I had to use less and less force because inmates knew...One of my last fights, I slipped bounced my head off the concrete floor, stood up, cuffed the victim and the guy with the knife and took control of the weapon all on autopilot.

I didn't remember it till I saw the video...My head CRACKED on the floor while my other two partners froze...Shook it off got it done.

Won't lie my neck was stiff for like 5 days afterwards, but the inmates and staff were all "Whoa."

It feels nice, even though in the great scheme it didn't bring me a commendation, extra pay or hikein rank...But it helped the reputation, so when I left I left due to my illness and my Mom's passing NO ONE could say I milked my hurt time or was afraid to get in the mix.

But honest truth was, I was spooked every time because:

People NEVER remember all the fights you won...They only remember the last fight you LOST.

Kind of why I hung them up too...Why wait to get hurt by an inmate?  Get knocked out and then everyone talks shit?  Leave with real injury for life?

Did my 20...Got my pension...Won my departmental battles...GOT THE FUCK OUT.