...And the passing of my Mother...I noticed that the little limitations I set on myself are slowly disappearing into nothing.

The only limitations we have are all in our mind of course...Easy to say, easy to repeat, but hard to PROCESS.

I have little fear of losing anything because I don't have much to lose...Only thing I guard visciously is my health now.

After that I have some a few family members, friends, a gf, my pets, some material things, but honestly they don't mean as much as they should...I care for them, but sometimes there's a lack of attchment.

It's a weird feeling to just float mentally and spiritually.

I do worry about my lack of empathy.

It comes in waves and disappears...Sometimes I'll catch a spider in my house and I'll gently take it out...Kiss my dog when I see one of them is sad or wants love...Buy a coffee for an old lady who's cold.

Other times I'll be ready for war at the store...The streets in my town are getting bad and to pretend they won't touch me sooner or later is stupid...So I tend to carry something...Everyone seems that drug addicted angry hungry.

Every other young guy here, looks like a wannbe rapper, living in a trap house, covered in bad tattoos, who smells like pot, stale beer, talks like he's black and only owns 2 hoodies.

We're not Los Angeles yet...But the violence is in the air everywhere...Too many aggressive mentally ill ex-cons walking around.

I honestlly fear that if I'm fucked with, I'm going to put someone in the ground.

I no longer have a chain on my neck...The chain of losing my retirement...It's good to breath freedom.

I wrote about it once or twice and then quickly deleted the blog/journal/entry, but now that I'm retired I can just say it:

In my career I have LEGALLY put 6 men in coffins...They were all clean kills...Attacking staff or attacking each other.

Every single time, the stress was rough...Each one is looked at by the Department, State and the Feds.

If you fucked up ANYWHERE they come for your job and retirement...Imagine working years only to lose it on some technicality to some agent who hasn't been in a fight since he was 10.

"Why didn't you wait?"

"Why didn't you keep asking him to stop?"

I BULLSHIT YOU NOT I WAS ONCE ASKED BY AN INVESTIGATOR:

"Why didn't you run away from the area?"

Luckily reputation followed after a few and things were quiet on my shift...But still stress sucks.

Now my worry is about overreacting to a bad situation.

I need to get this under control...Because a 3 second action can result in prison time on the streets.

I won't be given that pass anymore...People on the streets have no idea what can happen if you don't stop someone hard...This isn't the movies.

If a fight goes long enough, shoulders, knees, backs are blown, knives and guns are pulled, bones are broken or fractured...The quicker you end a fight the better.

Still in the end it's better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.