Happiness and good Fortune are like a golden sand flowing into an hourglass of life sometimes there are black grains representing the bad things that sometimes happen but for most they are tuning to gold once they reach the majority of gold. But for some people the sand has more black grains than most, and some of those tend to give their few golden grains to others to help them turn their black to gold, which often leave the givers with overpowering obsidian sand that often turns new gold to black. And if they ask others for just a speckle of gold in return to help Turing the black to gold, they often have to beg for it or end up turning the others sand black just by opening their their hourglass. I am certainly one of the latter people. My body and mind is filled with poisonous black sand and my tongue turns it into venom injecting it to others whenever reach for support or comfort. I have realized a very concerning pattern that gives me the worst anxiety right now. I'm poisoning the last golden grain of sand whenever I open my heart and don't swallow my feelings for once. I should finally stop trying and go back to being the quiet listener that gives her golden grains to others and fights against the black by herself. That will spare me from a lot of feelings of disappointment, and anxiety and guilt about upsetting others by voicing when I'm being upset or disappointed. I'll just suck it up and be too forgiving for my own good the sake of harmony. How sad is that? I have become scared of being upset because it upsets others and I feel guilty then. Can one be more of a peoplepleaser just to not end up all alone? Today was a terrible day on so many levels, not only was I still feeling upset, I was also anxious to the point of barely being able to breathe because I had I realized this destructive and poisonous pattern that always, really ALWAYS has been following when I open up and threatens the last good thing I have that is supposed to be an anchor right now. And on top of all, some actually supposedly good news came in from a friend but I can't be happy for them instead it really pulls me down because the topic reminds me of my health issues that are kinda related... And as I currently have no one to talk to because my tongue is venomous and I just ruin everone elses minds, I have to rant it out to strangers in the internet. Maybe the more creative writing approach I took in the beginning is at least somewhat enjoyable to read. It was kind inspired by this song... https://youtu.be/FK3TDHnD1_0?list=RDFK3TDHnD1_0

https://www.audible.co.uk/podcast/All-Systems-Read-A-Murderbot-Podcast/B0F6NW2JZB?qid=1760023529&sr=1-10&ref_pageloadid=not_applicable&pf_rd_p=c6e316b8-14da-418d-8f91-b3cad83c5183&pf_rd_r=PZM9T5H5WC07APWNVWME&plink=h4t08kYjkG5SqXgZ&pageLoadId=8joYu2KuF94m8ZeG&creativeId=41e85e98-10b8-40e2-907d-6b663f04a42d&ref=a_search_c3_lProduct_1_10

Seeking Strange Creative Creepy Humans https://youtu.be/WhVmCS1i5RI

People ask me, "Hebrew, how do you come up with so many zingers? My mind is a raging torrent. Cascading through a waterfall of creative alternatives. Translation, a bullshit artist!" Came in handy during the latter days of the Cold War. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGjZaiOPnAA

https://www.audible.co.uk/series/Hachi-Araine-The-Dream-Series-Audiobooks/B0DQ1T37ZB?ref_pageloadid=wKlTzi5uAgsJ6jUW&pf_rd_p=caf4b8e3-4234-4259-8c7e-eea7bac29f53&pf_rd_r=KAEVC5VMJQN9BV6E4101&plink=2kYLA77ejbACOM31&pageLoadId=tFFcXoiQn7u7dWjY&creativeId=bdf053de-16ab-43ed-b8aa-7993f60bdb95&ref=a_pd_Hachi-_c11_series_1

Creating magic in the new studio ✨🎨 Exploring painting and glasswork—stay tuned for the creative process to unfold! XZanthia.com #creaturecosplay #monstercosplay #steampunk #monstercore #creaturecore #cosplay #pride #creepygirl #creepycosplay #cosplay #clowncore #creepyart #cosplayer #punk #freak #gothic #goth #bitchesinharmony #creepycosplay #jupitersthunder #emo #gothicgirl #xzanthia #weird #gothchick #gothchick #cosplay #cyberpunk #pastelgoth #music

I think I'm starting to have a creative burnout due to regular burnout... Somehow my latest "Just-for-fun" cosplay project that I just did for the sake of fun not for an upcoming convention or contest has become my "Frustration-Project". And that sucks! The wig I'm styling for it is not making any progress and I have been working on and off on it for 2 Months...I never worked on such a complex wig re-styling with constructing a detachable Ponytail before, so I expected it to take longer... But whats frustratiing is that I dont't get to, or can't motivate myself to work on it for more than one hour per week on average. Which is really frustrating! I really want to finis it to start on other things...I know if I just put it aside for other things I will never pick it up again to finish it. I don't want it to end up on the unfinished project graveyard... =(

Not sure it will be a good idea to be using a device with a speeding up and down needle after I already had a shit day with everything going wrong and collecting at least 3 new bruises.... But that will sureley not keep me from trying :D I really need to do something creative and productive to cheer me up again...

Please join my Patreon.com/XZanthia❤️💫🌸🫶🌷✨ My birthday is September 25th, it would be a great birthday gift, & I will put your name at the end of my YouTube videos. #patreon #SupportCreators #PatreonSupport #ExclusiveContent #JoinTheCommunity #BecomeAPatron #Crowdfunding #CreatorsOnPatreon #SupportArtists #FanSupport #CreativeCommunity #BehindTheScenes #CreatorEconomy #IndependentCreator #SubscribeNow #PatreonPerks #MembersOnly #SupportSmallCreators #CreativeFunding #SupportMyWork

I am bummed, depressed, haven't been feeling well for quite some time, and I am blank as a fart when it has been dealing with my creative endeavors. I have been under lots of stress, putting up with all the bulls**t from others and living in this sewer trap of a rural town, as I despise the surrounding counties and want out of this state and area so badly. I fear my life is over. I'm 47 and will be 50 in three years as I wept a few times over that. I have a degree that I feel I cannot make use of, I want this other degree, and I feel I do not get the kind of support I need financially, and I feel I have been kind of neglected emotionally and mentally lately. It is hard for me to talk about things as it is, and it seems when I attempt to vent or express my troublesome feelings and such...no one is to reply back or I do not get any replies. But it seems there are some people who want me to stop and drop everything for them when they need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, but when I have these same needs and such I get blown off like a fart in the wind, no one replies back, and I'm left feeling stupid, hurt, and having this belief that noone really cares how I feel, what I want, or that lending me their ear or shoulder Is a burden to them when I need someone. It's a very lonely world. And I feel like I have no answers or know what the next step is. Sorry, I just had to get this off my chest. This is the only site I feel free to do so.