I have to vent, so I figured I'd do it here, where very few people I personally know. 

Aside from a bout of Covid two months ago, my pregnancy went smoothly. I joked that it was going suspiciously smoothly. It wasn't until the end that I realized it wasn't a joke. 

She was a week late, which meant the doctors had to induce labor. The induction didn't work. The medicine used to make my cervix opened caused violent contractions that she didn't take well to. Her heartrate dipped each time one happened. On top of that, my cervix wouldn't open more than 6cm. I was more than happy to get a c section. 

Something went wrong during the c section. The epidural, even with the strong medication that should have numbed me from my ribcage down, stopped working half way through cutting. I felt everything slice, rip, tear and pull. The doctors and anesthesiologist didn't believe me at first when I told them that all I felt was pain. They said I should only have felt pressure. It wasn't until I was screaming and begging for relief, and after I felt them pull my daughter from my body that they realized i was actually in pain. I passed out after she was pulled out and they put me under general anesthesia. I don't remember being brought to the post op room. I barely remember waking up there and seeing her for the first time. 

Yesterday, during her physical, the pediatrician discovered that she is missing a very vital part of her anatomy. I won't go into it, but they took her to the children's hospital upstate last night. I can't be with her because I'm still in recovery. My fiance is with her, but he has to work tonight and I don't want her alone in the hospital.

I did some research and her condition is almost always random. Sometimes it can be genetic, but it's rare. Still, I keep wondering if I'm to blame. Are my genetics fucked up or did I do something wrong during my pregnancy? The pediatrician asked about all my medical conditions and medications I took, but they didn't come to any conclusion as far as I know. 

The neonatal doctor at this hospital said it's a condition they only see about once a year, so while it's rare, it's not so incredibly rare that they have to send her away to another country for surgery or she'll end up a case study in some a medical textbook. The doctors at the children's hospital have seen it more than here, since that hospital takes in patients from all over the world so she's in good hands. 

This past night has killed me. I've been crying off and on since they said she'd need surgery and haven't stopped since transport took her away. Every noise I heard last night kept me awake. Every creak or mechanical noise sounded like her coughing or sneezing or gurgling. I woke up a few times thinking she was crying, only to realize it was a dream. 

I hope they can do the surgery as soon as possible. The doctor who called me last night said they may hold off until she's six weeks old, but I want her to get this corrected as soon as possible so she can have as normal and uncomplicated of a life as possible. 

God, I miss her so fucking much.