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What a week...Give me a break already...this month is ass fucking hard... We have such s hardcore lack of personnel even when nobody is sick and now even one sickness is detrimental...How come that I am the only one in our team who is not calling in sick every other week while I've been struggling with long term health issues for almost the entire year... If I can make it to work while my body is lacking essential metabolic substances AND with an ongoing infection in my tooth with puss coming out (yes I got it checked out yes it's supposed to do that during healing.) ...why is a cold keeping others home? I'm too underpaid for this shit...

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I'm on the verge of crying. I'm literally panicking. Another health issue came up that needs immediate medical procedure. This that gives me the worst anxiety on multiple levels...if I'm unlucky it will not only make me really ugly and I struggle with dismorphia, but also also what I fear most, it will delay my treatment yet again... possibly for several weeks. I finally got a fixed appointment for getting the blood drawn for testing first thing but now I fear the new issue can't wait and needs to be fixed immediately there is akute pain....they probably can't test my blood if there is residual narcotics and painkillers on my system.... Like my anxiety was not already bad since yesterday for other reasons. Now this...I'm really panicking right now. Why is it all breaking at once?? Ok I need to breathe and wait se how bad the pain gets today prepare for being incapacitated by meds while I still can and if I get worse I go to the doctor tomorrow first thing. Good thing I live right next door. Maybe it just got painful because I was feeling the swelling I know I shouldn't drag it out and fix acute things immediately. But the following issues of delayed treatment will be detrimental too possibly reshaping my future entirely.

Happiness and good Fortune are like a golden sand flowing into an hourglass of life sometimes there are black grains representing the bad things that sometimes happen but for most they are tuning to gold once they reach the majority of gold. But for some people the sand has more black grains than most, and some of those tend to give their few golden grains to others to help them turn their black to gold, which often leave the givers with overpowering obsidian sand that often turns new gold to black. And if they ask others for just a speckle of gold in return to help Turing the black to gold, they often have to beg for it or end up turning the others sand black just by opening their their hourglass. I am certainly one of the latter people. My body and mind is filled with poisonous black sand and my tongue turns it into venom injecting it to others whenever reach for support or comfort. I have realized a very concerning pattern that gives me the worst anxiety right now. I'm poisoning the last golden grain of sand whenever I open my heart and don't swallow my feelings for once. I should finally stop trying and go back to being the quiet listener that gives her golden grains to others and fights against the black by herself. That will spare me from a lot of feelings of disappointment, and anxiety and guilt about upsetting others by voicing when I'm being upset or disappointed. I'll just suck it up and be too forgiving for my own good the sake of harmony. How sad is that? I have become scared of being upset because it upsets others and I feel guilty then. Can one be more of a peoplepleaser just to not end up all alone? Today was a terrible day on so many levels, not only was I still feeling upset, I was also anxious to the point of barely being able to breathe because I had I realized this destructive and poisonous pattern that always, really ALWAYS has been following when I open up and threatens the last good thing I have that is supposed to be an anchor right now. And on top of all, some actually supposedly good news came in from a friend but I can't be happy for them instead it really pulls me down because the topic reminds me of my health issues that are kinda related... And as I currently have no one to talk to because my tongue is venomous and I just ruin everone elses minds, I have to rant it out to strangers in the internet. Maybe the more creative writing approach I took in the beginning is at least somewhat enjoyable to read. It was kind inspired by this song... https://youtu.be/FK3TDHnD1_0?list=RDFK3TDHnD1_0

Watching multiple videos of people freak out about getting neither Section 8, SNAP or EBT. I have nothing against people who deserve it, but we all know that the abuse is at least 50% of the people on it THAT DO NO QUALIFY...Illegals, healthy and young people, people on it for like 10-20-30 years and perpetual women with multiple children getting pregnant only to stay on the dole. Not all obviously, but quite a few. Is Trump doing it to cause panic and crime in order to smash hard and get more power?

Not like anyone cares but I'll blog it here anyways... Cause here at least I can pretend ppl care... I'm Ending vacation with a bad migraine attack and possibly an incubating flu. Great. Not like my I overall declining health has been enough strain in my body and mental health. Maybe I shouldn't have made plans for Halloween at all... Just ended with a ruined evening and feeling bad about being the cause of it...

Yeap .. still alive...health still shitty but.... still alive :)

Another rant incoming today...sorry guys....ill delete that later.... just now I was once again proven to have self centered friends... I was messaged by a friend how I was doing and I already suspected that she just asked to initiate conversation and wanted to either rant or get attention...when I started talking about my health issues and how annoyed I was by the system she just replied something generic like "yeah the health system sucks" an then proceeded to Change the topic and show me her new living room chairs... Like wtf your friends health is just something to causally comment on just to proceed with something so trivial as new chairs?! Feels like my health was just placed in the same important level als new chairs. Thanks for worrying or providing mental support....like I did for her years when she was trapping herself in a toxic relationship. Last time we met we also talked about how life was going for me for maybe 30 minutes and for 3h I had to listen to her new found lovers and adventures in that regard... sucks being a good listener because at some point that's all you become to your friends...the listener

Waiting for the doctors to return so I can finally get on with fixing my health drives me crazy. There is a lot of anxiety and what ifs connected to it and I just want answers...this uncertainty and not being able to move forward with treatment because outside factors control timelines is so incredibly frustrating. I feel that every passing day is lost time in this regard. And since nobody in my social circal seems to care enough to listen to me when I try talking about it and just turn to dumping their shit and their problems on me as soon as we mention health or mental health, I need to vent it out here into the void.