Happiness and good Fortune are like a golden sand flowing into an hourglass of life sometimes there are black grains representing the bad things that sometimes happen but for most they are tuning to gold once they reach the majority of gold. But for some people the sand has more black grains than most, and some of those tend to give their few golden grains to others to help them turn their black to gold, which often leave the givers with overpowering obsidian sand that often turns new gold to black. And if they ask others for just a speckle of gold in return to help Turing the black to gold, they often have to beg for it or end up turning the others sand black just by opening their their hourglass. I am certainly one of the latter people. My body and mind is filled with poisonous black sand and my tongue turns it into venom injecting it to others whenever reach for support or comfort. I have realized a very concerning pattern that gives me the worst anxiety right now. I'm poisoning the last golden grain of sand whenever I open my heart and don't swallow my feelings for once. I should finally stop trying and go back to being the quiet listener that gives her golden grains to others and fights against the black by herself. That will spare me from a lot of feelings of disappointment, and anxiety and guilt about upsetting others by voicing when I'm being upset or disappointed. I'll just suck it up and be too forgiving for my own good the sake of harmony. How sad is that? I have become scared of being upset because it upsets others and I feel guilty then. Can one be more of a peoplepleaser just to not end up all alone? Today was a terrible day on so many levels, not only was I still feeling upset, I was also anxious to the point of barely being able to breathe because I had I realized this destructive and poisonous pattern that always, really ALWAYS has been following when I open up and threatens the last good thing I have that is supposed to be an anchor right now. And on top of all, some actually supposedly good news came in from a friend but I can't be happy for them instead it really pulls me down because the topic reminds me of my health issues that are kinda related... And as I currently have no one to talk to because my tongue is venomous and I just ruin everone elses minds, I have to rant it out to strangers in the internet. Maybe the more creative writing approach I took in the beginning is at least somewhat enjoyable to read. It was kind inspired by this song... https://youtu.be/FK3TDHnD1_0?list=RDFK3TDHnD1_0

Lately, When I express my genuine thoughts and concerns, it feels like a form of punishment. This happens both at work, in meetings where input is supposedly valued, and in my personal life. My attempts to voice a concern or a different perspective are often dismissed as pessimism, exaggeration, or even egomania. It seems I am being penalized simply for having an opinion and for caring enough to be concerned. Increasingly, I feel that I am being passively silenced—not with a direct command, but with subtle cues and reactions that make thinking feel like a forbidden act. I am being reduced to a sounding board, a wall for others to shout at, with no expectation of a reciprocal conversation. My role is not to contribute, but to absorb. And then, people wonder. They wonder why I am burning out, why my energy and creativity have evaporated, why my motivation has dwindled to nothing. They don't see the cumulative weight of being silenced. I notice that the situation is gradually affecting my body. I currently only sleep with a tight chest and painful breathing, and I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing.

Gen X here. The most important and crucial difference from my time compared to today: We knew how to relax and have a good time. We certainly didn't let politicians make us fight their battle for them. Divide and conquer has always been the mantra, and if you youngbloods think anyone of those in Washington are making things difficult for those with different viewpoints with your best interest in mind, you're living in a fantasy world. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9l5WZ774Sg

Finally weekend. Time to annoy my neighbors because I really want to redecorate my entire living room. I'm not very happy with the current design at the moment :D

Patriotic Goth Music from Austria https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8fIj3u21n4 Our landscape raped by different armies Soldiers, slaves who have no faces Control our ways and lives completely Our minds are torn, time left its traces Controlled by TV screens and letters That point out assimilation To trends and movements from outside Fall victim to this infiltration Everybody's just consuming What the media's dictating And they all have just forgot The joy that is to creating Here in the heart of Europe No one stands up proud no more Here in the heart of Europe Our culture is a dying whore No room for individuality Grey masses who think one way only Move like robots through the streets In our thinking we stand lonely Once a land of art and culture Now slave to streams from outside Our nations culture, doomed and dying Like a candle's fading light

Your choice of a billion different Universes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LnI51qStuo

currently eating gorilla chow the growth and reproduction kind because theres nothing in my trailer

AFI released a new album and it's currently the only joyful thing of my days. Yet people at work expect me to take out my earphones to talk to me...RUDE Either pay me fair or let me work on my bubble unbothered by stupidity 😂https://youtu.be/5c6sMntanTQ?si=BAZlrmvrKOUZej-l

A consenting adult whom does not live with his/her parents should have every right to do what she/he is afforded to by the constructs of the law. Thai ladyboys not withstanding, but most of you haven't been out of your comfort zone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFVuuRxM2VU

When your parental units say listen to this music young child, and your heart and soul was moved for them! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apTy_Wez4V4