I think depression has killed my spark... Even though I am working through the things depressing me and starting to find closure. I feel like the fire within me is gone too. Snuffed to not even a spark. I'm not even looking forward to the big events that l love visiting so much. They are just there on the agenda. And I will go there because I know I will regret not going. But there is no enthusiasm about them right now. No anticipation nor excitement. Idk if it is because I have been visiting that next upcoming event for over 10 years, or if it is because these were events I used to visit with friends but they don't come anymore...idk I just don't feel any excitement or anticipation and that's scary. Looking forward to these events used to cheer me up a lot.. I'm sorry to all the (very few) people wo love me for my bubbly enthusiasm, infectious excitement, and passionate personality...that fire is gone...

Kinda been feeling bled dry lately and currently fleeing myself into an endless loop of doomwatching some historical documentaries post work. I look at some upcoming events in my work and personal calendar that I've been looking forward to, and meanwhile I hear an inner voice whispering a quiet "why" to me.... I think I should take a vacation and go away... Far, far away from people

Judging by recent events around the world I´m kinda debating with myself if I should start (slowly but firmly) storing canned food somewhere.

Things are never easy and straight forward Theres always reasons behind reasons and causes of other causes Reasons why people have done things and then other reasons behind those reasons often stemming from an event or series of events Nothings ever straight forward

#POTUS #White_House #elections #Biden #Axios #mental_health #mental_issues #President_Biden https://www.axios.com/2024/07/07/biden-staff-events-prepare

So I Finally have a Sleepend (a weekend that is dedicated to sleep and relaxing without any social obligations and events) and guess what. These assholes from the construction site next door decided to put in some extra work on a saturday...I do sleep like the dead but a drill right into my bedroom wall wakes even this corpse....

Tomorrow is a big cosplay event that I'm going to. But for some reason I am not as excited about it as usual, some things happened that kinda ruined the mood for me... Some of the friends that Im always looking forward to see on this event are not coming and I feel that this kinda took a huge part of the fun factor. On top of it this cosplay season is kinda jinxed for me in general. didn't get con tickets, some events were cancelled idk...all kills the mood. Hope next year will be better.

Heh. I am at this stage in my career where I think I could be a manager already considering all the skills I've acquired during the years YET for some reason, when I apply for those positions or when I work hard towards achieving that, I would just get pushed back. "Oh, Matti, we just don't feel like you're fit for this yet and you haven't proven yourself yet." Bitch, I'm capable enough to do 5 people work. What do you mean? I do your shitty training to climb up the ladder even and still get a no. The worst part is that I notice how bad at managing current managers are and I see flaws in the organisational part of things straight away. When I point out what is wrong or when I give suggestions, they just get ignored. Then, sometimes more work would be added just because I'm good at doing my job which is another low blow. Am I doing something wrong here or is the corporate culture itself that's so broken and prevents this from happening? 😅 Yeah, is it just me that feels like this or is anyone else struggling the same way? 🙃 Yeah, my overthinking got to me again, it seems. 🤘

Look for today's events. Apple picking, pumpkin patch and photoshoot.

urg all day company events are exhausting... I know its "easy money" you just sit there all day gef free food and drinks (even a little party in the evening). But for me precisely that is hell on earth. Sitting in a room full of people, everything is noisy, or when its quiet you have to listen to endless talks, getting bored easily, masking, socializing, pretentious team building crap and no way to retreat and have some quiet downtime. And that for more than 8 hrs... A neurodivergents hell on earth... Honestly I rather have 3 stressful normal workdays in a row, where I run about the lab like a chicken on fire. At least then I can listen to music don't have to talk and people will generally leave me alone because too busy.