I had a terrible nightmare about being left by my significant other because I'm a disssapointment and a failure as a human being. I know it was just a dream but it still nags in my mind because it is a fear I've had for a while now and dreams about real people alwas hit me hard because I usually don't dream at all, don't remember or my dreams are very abstract things....

So real people dreams with lifelike situations always feel like a terrible foreboding...

Had a very busy past few days,so much going on. Finally day off went to see Heretic with my best friend ,interesting film overall but not really my style of horror. hit up a few stores at the mall before the movie (giant mall with the theatre attached),worked on some new music and wrote riffs tonight that i need to edit but overall the results will be worth it. and had the WEIRDIST encounter with my crazy neighbor, few weeks ago he slammed his door so loud it shook my unit when i was just sitting outside on my porch drinking water and reading (guess he hates readers ??),had to write him a letter that i wasnt going to possess his dog or hurt him in anyway (cuz I'm so scary..i guess ??),after coming back from my walk tonight ran into him again, I always have my headphones in usually (was listening to Behexen) and he just PULLS his dog in as i walk by, the dog whimpers in FEAR of me because i'm just an awful person (yes this is actually what he thinks) we also communicate by slamming doors extremely violently i really can't wait until he leaves, or gets kicked out, it will never stop with him.

Have you ever had that nagging sensation that you're out of place among the wrong people? Lately, I've struggled to find any opportunities at the place where I live. It feels like months have gone by with only empty promises from work, leaving me burnt out and unable to enjoy even the simplest pleasures.

I can't shake this profound loneliness I've experienced for weeks, and it's perplexing since I’m in a relationship. It's odd when you are being told that they are here for you and to try to respond to this as often as possible on the same level, even when your social battery is depleted, yet still feel so utterly isolated. The depths of my depression have made it hard to get out of bed for days, with tears flowing freely.

Am I misguided in my expectations of what a relationship should be? When I realize that a house is on fire, for example, and I hear some calls for help, I try to rescue this person from it if possible and don’t avoid it because it might be too “hot.” I believe in stepping into the flames to support those I love, to hold their hand as we navigate the chaos together. Yet, here I am, feeling like I’m trapped in my own burning house while my partner stands outside, unsure whether to come in or watch from a distance.

I’m left feeling so conflicted… I love my partner deeply, yet I also feel profoundly abandoned and overlooked. I want to believe that love can withstand these moments of despair, that we can face life’s struggles as a team. But the distance created by unspoken words and unmet expectations feels like an insurmountable wall between us.

I often wonder if I’m asking for too much—if my desire for connection is unreasonable in a world that often seems too chaotic to handle. Shouldn't a partner be a safe haven, a source of comfort during the storm? Or am I just searching for validation in all the wrong places?

The fear of losing that connection, of being vulnerable and showing my true self, holds me back. There are days I crave honesty, but what if that honesty exposes too much? What if it reveals the depths of my struggles, and in response, all I receive is pity instead of understanding?

Sometimes I hate my anxietey....This is probably nothing bad but my overthinking head just gives me the fear that very soon, I'll be brutally reminded of what a failure of a person I am...

Shanah Tovah ladies and goths. There have been numerous attacks on my brethren this blessed holiday, but we stand defiant and steadfast. Violence and fear tactics will not keep us from our daily lives, but only strengthen our resolve as we fight the evil of antisemitism at home and abroad.

I am the lie
That glares in your eyes
You are my liar
Who takes my commands
I am the fear
That drives you insane
You are the jerk
Who toes the line
I am the hate
That strokes your hate
You are my hater
Who wages my war
I am the violence
That lets you assault
You are my brave
My soldier and slave

https://youtu.be/xlBikPOehEg?si=bt1Gafw9VdJk6z9d

Once again I find myself alone, I feel there is no other way
Can it be I’ve got a heart of stone? I feel my life is written like a play
Help me say it loud, The visions in my mind won’t let me down
Help me get my cure, There’s something else, I cannot be for sure

Talk to me, come on - I feel your hate so clear, I feel it all around
Talk to me, come on - I never thought I’d fear my own desires near

I don’t wanna stare into thе darkness or settle for thе give and take
Can it be we have another problem? I feel like everything is a mistake
Help me say it loud, The visions in my mind won’t let me down
Help me get my cure, There’s something else, I cannot be for sure

Talk to me, come on - I feel your hate so clear, I feel it all around
Talk to me, come on - I never thought I’d fear my own desires near
Talk to me, come on - oh I cannot let you go, my black heart tells me so
Talk to me, come on - oh I don’t want to be vain, a life without your name

Just talk to me, just talk to me
Talk to me, talk to me, just talk to me

Harvest the field of time
With the old man's scythe
The narrow path of the chosen one
Reaches beyond life

I set sails for the ageless winds
No fear of dying or a thought of surrender
I threaten every barrier on my way
I am bound forever with Token of Time

Among the humble people
Everything is torn apart
But I'm blessed with faith
And bravely I shall go on

Are thou the bringer of hope and joy
That I've waited for years
I shall fight to restore the moon
Wisdoms of time are carved on the sacred wood

Do thou possess spiritual powers
That would dispel all my fears
I shall not die until the seal is broken
Token of Time is trusted in the hands of the chosen one

There are shadows in the world,
Burning bright as day,
There is darkness that we seek,
Though others say we'll pay.
I do not have to look like you,
I can be my own,
Your fear of me is weakness,
Your weakness than is shown.
The light it shows the darkness,
The darkness shows the light,
We can live in harmony,
We don't have to choose to fight.
You can just be you,
I can just be me,
In a world that's full of labels,
Simply be.

Don't you just love the feeling of an upcoming summer storm? That slight unsettling mixture of of awe and fear. As the sky darkens and the wind picks up. Dark tall clouds building fortresses in the sky. And we stand safe and sound behind the window. sheltered by brick and glass and yet we get thils slight tingle, a nervousness deep in our throat, a creeping uneasiness. A fear that is unnecessary as we are sheltered in our houses and yet it still haunting us like a promordial instnct telling us to run and hide for this might be a calamity....
I love this thrill! It's powerful inspiring!