I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why our relationship bothers me so much. Why, for the past 10 or so years I've felt nothing but hostility towards you. Growing up, you were the "good parent" in my mind. It was so easy to see how bad the other was. The abuse and manipulation were blatant. No matter how much they tried to make themselves out to be the good guy, they were always a bit too mentally deficient to make it work. They were brutish and stupid. But you weren't. 

I figured it out recently, why I got over the other parent's behavior years ago but I still can't get over yours. It's because being the good parent didn't mean shit when the bar is on the fucking ground and all you have to do to rise above it is jump a couple inches. They were nasty to my face but you were nasty behind my back. You used my naivete against me to properly manipulate me the way the other parent couldn't. 

You were codependent and cherished your partners more than your child. You were emotionally stunted and rather than seek help, you relied on others for your happiness and lashed out at me when things didn't go your way. You were the unpopular kid in school who would have abandoned their friends the moment the cool kids showed you an ounce of interest. You were happy to keep me locked away because I didn't fit your definition of a perfect daughter. You knew there were things wrong with me but rather than get me help as a child, you let me drown in a sea of mental health issues because you couldn't handle it. You preferred to scream at me and threaten me and leave me alone when I begged for help and always made me feel like I was burden to you. 

But you were the good parent. And I'll be fucking damned if I end up being your version of a "good parent" to my own daughter. 

I hope I can get over this shit soon now that I'm tackling it head on. It's pretty fucking hard when you can't afford a therapist.