ADHD Time Blindness hit so hard, it's now 3:30 am and I have to be at work ealry tomorrow. I havent even showered yet & I don't really wanna go to bet because I don't want Monday to come. :(

Oh well at least I found a few job offers barely worth applying to and got a hint of motivation to get that cover letter for some applications drafted. Now I just need to prepare a translation and do some phrase polishing and individual adaptions to the specific offers. Wasted my entire sunday on this so at least I feel less like a faliure now. Small victories...

I'm sinking more and more into one of my sleep escapism-depressions again. Everything is so discouraging and seems so hopeless....

I can barely get myself to leave the bed lately. I lack any motivation and elan to do anything.
Perpetually trapped in task paralysis.

On workdays I push myself to still give 110% despite constantly asking "what am I doing it for its not like it's fruitful for me". Work drains me so much I can't find the energy to look for new jobs after hours.
And on Weekends I am still drained and barely drag myself out of bed after sleeping for 12hr, then I end up on the couch staring into my phone screen doomscrolling, because I can't get myself to sit on my PC and look for job offers because I know there are barely any that are suitable for me. But pursuing my hobbies makes me feel guilty because "I should spend this time on looking for jobs".
So I just sit there on the couch trapped by invisible chains of guilt and discourage while I'm hoping for the unlikely miracle that a Recruiter will find my job profile and it's the perfect match for both sides. And that the world politics wills suddenly be bearable again. But with the current leaders pfft finding the Amber-room again is more likely than having a secure and happy future.
Thats why I keep asking myself: What future am even doing it for?

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Urghh this suuucccks!!
All day I was actually looking forward to m daily workout session because I found a cool Pilates flow im really curious to try. Guess what halfway through the workday my body said fucketh they and gave me the worst stomach cramps for no reason. Guess I'll take a long walk instead....
Although feeling sick is a good reason to rest my orthorexia demon HATES skipping why is my brain broken like this?!

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This is so discourageing! Of all the job offers that I can find none are Jobs that I would actually wanna take if I actually did get the offer, because all require commuting over an hour or moving to I city that I would never wanna live in. This is just downright depressing! In the past 3 weeks I have not even seen one offer that was in my current location or even close by. I just want a new job not an entire life re-orientation!

It is just so sad that we live in such a career-driven double standard society where it is totally normalized that as a young person, you HAVE to be ready give up your ENTIRE LIFE and the place you picked to be your home ANYTIME to find a new job. But on the same time you are expected to be ready to settle and have a family from 30 onwards. And with a family you are often still required to move your entire family to a new place for a new job and it's totally normalized!

And overall economy is just shit and the field I work in is not doing well despite the fact that it was flourishing during the pandemic.

I blame everything on Merz at this point because I need a scapegoat to vent my anger!

So during my well deserved work break I almost got injured by a FALLING object,I was catching up with a coworker,and one of the florescent lights just fell,It landed directly next to me,I happened to be listening to one of my favorite bands BlackThorn and I didn't even flinch at all and started laughing at the whole thing,interesting day for sure....

Hmm either the company I work for has just given me some incredible leverage to practially demand a raise or the whole thing has a big catch and they hope that I am to gullible to see it.

They recently laid off 20 % of the employees becasue of funding problems. Unfortunateley they also fired the person who was appointed officer for biological safetey... Now they desperateley need another employee to become that. But there is only a handfull of people who can thake the position as it has special requirements. Most suitable people don't want it because it is a hassle. I am amongst those few suited ones and they just asked me yesterday if I were interested in getting that extra qualification.
TBH I don't really want the hassle that comes with it and I am planning to leave the company as soon as I find a better job anyway. But the qualification will look very hot on my resume...
I have been fighting for a wage increase. Since I know they are desparate, I could practically bribe them into giving me a BIG fat raise or I will just not do it.
What do I have to loose? They can only say no then I'll also say no too. So what? It is a voluntary extra position, they cannot fire me for declining the responsibility. For me, things will stay same and they'll still have no one to be Biological safetey officer. Their probelm.

But I am not trusting them anymore so I kinda smell a rat (not the cute cuddly kind that smells like love and popcorn)...what could it be???
Will I have to give up my project lead position? Is it a degradation in disguise? WHAt could be the catch???
Time to do some research....

Well Happy Birthday to me. Let's see what a shitty one it will be once I have dragged my ass to work in a few hours. Not looking forward to working tomorrow...
I started to hate it there. I wish I could just quit immediately. But I need to find something new first. And with the current economy in Germany it can take up to a year to find a new job even with a degree in science.
Guess it's obvious what's my wish when blowing out candles today.