Had to move into an RV because I couldn’t find an affordable apartment. My new apartment was infested with springtails and I got really sick and developed a stress rash all over my body, so I bought an RV and found a nice RV resort to live in. I’m really depressed right now and feeling really emotionally drained. I wish I were allowed to just have a normal life. My bf and I were supposed to do everything together but now I have to do it all alone because he left me for another woman… I hate my life…

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I just had a meltdown in the lab...because I'm burned and spent by this shit. This company has burned me completely and I'm just a walking pile of ash. Every passing day I wish more and more that I was one of the people that were layed off or that I would have an accident break and ankle or so and get a sick leave for a few weeks. Just to catch a breath and be an unexpected gap on the personal.
It's not the stress that's getting me I actually don't think the workload is overwhelming at the moment it's average and manageable. It's the lack of pay and appreciation that bothers me. I came on Saturdays I came on Sundays gave 110% to make them see that I am worth getting the same pay as the others and instead I get a warm sweaty handshake and a chocolate I can't even eat.
And I'm still trying to give a 110 percent that I don't even have in me anymore why because of revenge because I want it to hurt heavily when I leave and I want to see them in false security about my loyalty. But I'm not even sure that's worth it...
At this point I just wish for a new job opportunity and hope the company goes bankrupt so that I can get social support. I wouldn't get that for a few months if I resigned without a new job.

I should take baths after stressful lab days more often...soo relaxing. Let's hope it fixes my tightenedtl trap muscles. They have been bothering me for weeks and focused exercising didn't fix it ...
I don't want to feel like 90year old anymore😅

Hey BrokenAngyl You only come around after the holidays. I'm here to tell you that you matter even after the stressful season.

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Im thinking of quitting inktober (yet again) before i even really started on it. Idk just the thought of planning and actually making an ink drawing every day stresses me out. Although it was something that I easily did in the past. Even multiple ones a day... I think it's because of not having as much time to invest in art anymore I kinda lost my connection to it. I rarely get to sit down to actually paint. Every year I start the inktober challeng in hope to get my connection back but every time for the past 3 years I end up having to quit halfway through for multiple reasons like getting behind lacking time. This year I'm already stressed about having to catch up on the first few days that I missed.
Maybe I just had a bad start...I wanted to warm up by finishing one of least years works that I never got to complete and I totally messed it up and on top it tore apart when I tried to remove the one year old masking tape... Seems like an omen...
I will still dedicate this month to art and especially watercolor painting. But I think I will not do the inktober challenge for now. Maybe I will get to do the last half of it later but just now I need to get back into the peaceful/mindful mindset that I need for doing watercolor. Pushing myself with a challenge will not help here.
I started watching YouTube draw with me videos of one of my favorite artists there. It helps getting back into watercolors and Inks.

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Stressed..... im tired of my mom beeing so damm cheap! Toby has a tumor on is leg.. he have to go to a vet hospital...its kind of "far"... starts complaying of the money we'll spent... fuck the money! jizzzzzzzzzzzzzasssss!! i wont take it to my grave.. neither will she! damm it! she pisses me off with the goddam money!!! i know she worked her ass off... so did my dad.. so we can have some financial "oxigen ball" but... fuck! 77 y old and still counting everysingle expense! it's ridiculous sometimes! im not a spender... i save what i can.. but fuck...not getting paranoid of couting every fuckin expense i make!

Another day of endless boredom at work. Being underwhelmed/underchallenged and having condescending colleagues is an awful combination. I'm developing the worst imposter syndrome and start believing that I am on the sidelines because I'm useless. I want least Year back I'd rather have the stress and project burden because that at least feels productive and successful.
I'm really work depressed lately. I'm seriously considering of looking for a new job...maybe do phD after all maybe that's the sign I was waiting for.