I'm on the verge of crying. I'm literally panicking. Another health issue came up that needs immediate medical procedure. This that gives me the worst anxiety on multiple levels...if I'm unlucky it will not only make me really ugly and I struggle with dismorphia, but also also what I fear most, it will delay my treatment yet again... possibly for several weeks. I finally got a fixed appointment for getting the blood drawn for testing first thing but now I fear the new issue can't wait and needs to be fixed immediately there is akute pain....they probably can't test my blood if there is residual narcotics and painkillers on my system.... Like my anxiety was not already bad since yesterday for other reasons. Now this...I'm really panicking right now. Why is it all breaking at once?? Ok I need to breathe and wait se how bad the pain gets today prepare for being incapacitated by meds while I still can and if I get worse I go to the doctor tomorrow first thing. Good thing I live right next door. Maybe it just got painful because I was feeling the swelling I know I shouldn't drag it out and fix acute things immediately. But the following issues of delayed treatment will be detrimental too possibly reshaping my future entirely.

Happiness and good Fortune are like a golden sand flowing into an hourglass of life sometimes there are black grains representing the bad things that sometimes happen but for most they are tuning to gold once they reach the majority of gold. But for some people the sand has more black grains than most, and some of those tend to give their few golden grains to others to help them turn their black to gold, which often leave the givers with overpowering obsidian sand that often turns new gold to black. And if they ask others for just a speckle of gold in return to help Turing the black to gold, they often have to beg for it or end up turning the others sand black just by opening their their hourglass. I am certainly one of the latter people. My body and mind is filled with poisonous black sand and my tongue turns it into venom injecting it to others whenever reach for support or comfort. I have realized a very concerning pattern that gives me the worst anxiety right now. I'm poisoning the last golden grain of sand whenever I open my heart and don't swallow my feelings for once. I should finally stop trying and go back to being the quiet listener that gives her golden grains to others and fights against the black by herself. That will spare me from a lot of feelings of disappointment, and anxiety and guilt about upsetting others by voicing when I'm being upset or disappointed. I'll just suck it up and be too forgiving for my own good the sake of harmony. How sad is that? I have become scared of being upset because it upsets others and I feel guilty then. Can one be more of a peoplepleaser just to not end up all alone? Today was a terrible day on so many levels, not only was I still feeling upset, I was also anxious to the point of barely being able to breathe because I had I realized this destructive and poisonous pattern that always, really ALWAYS has been following when I open up and threatens the last good thing I have that is supposed to be an anchor right now. And on top of all, some actually supposedly good news came in from a friend but I can't be happy for them instead it really pulls me down because the topic reminds me of my health issues that are kinda related... And as I currently have no one to talk to because my tongue is venomous and I just ruin everone elses minds, I have to rant it out to strangers in the internet. Maybe the more creative writing approach I took in the beginning is at least somewhat enjoyable to read. It was kind inspired by this song... https://youtu.be/FK3TDHnD1_0?list=RDFK3TDHnD1_0

Got my iron levels up high enough I got to donate 💕

One helluva storm just rolled in. Pros: Keeps the temperature from reaching ridiculous levels. Con: My lawn furniture is now a permanent addition to my neighbor's fence.

Anyone right now following grooming gang scandle in the UK will be shocked and sicken by one perticular case, a man (45) raped a 15 year old in an elevator; it is wrong on so many levels!

"Once the rain is over, an umbrella becomes a burden to carry. - That's why loyalty ends when benefits stop." Yeah... I'm experiencing that a lot. As soon as their problems are solved or they have dumped their emotional burden on me there is suddenly no time to listen to my troubles...as soon as I start sharing I'm dropped or quickly disregarded with one sentence...and people wonder why I never open up and talk about things easily... And once they stop benefiting from me altogether the friendship dies out... I'm not just worth being kept around just for the sake of it. It's not like I haven't been struggling with self loathing for months and my self view wasn't already ruined on many levels...

#levels #age #videogames

This makes me happy on so many levels!😁

My antisocial levels are skyrocketing. My mother spent a week at my appartment (for a treatment she´s doing nearby) and in that week she ended up knowing more people than me in 4 years. Their names, relatives, jobs, pets, etc. She even told me the entire life story of the woman living at the end of the corridor of my floor. And I didn´t even know there was a lady living there.

All with different Authorities & Acces LEVELS