Dude! the chubby bunny challenge but instead of marshmallows its Cheetos puffs.

Im thinking of quitting inktober (yet again) before i even really started on it. Idk just the thought of planning and actually making an ink drawing every day stresses me out. Although it was something that I easily did in the past. Even multiple ones a day... I think it's because of not having as much time to invest in art anymore I kinda lost my connection to it. I rarely get to sit down to actually paint. Every year I start the inktober challeng in hope to get my connection back but every time for the past 3 years I end up having to quit halfway through for multiple reasons like getting behind lacking time. This year I'm already stressed about having to catch up on the first few days that I missed.
Maybe I just had a bad start...I wanted to warm up by finishing one of least years works that I never got to complete and I totally messed it up and on top it tore apart when I tried to remove the one year old masking tape... Seems like an omen...
I will still dedicate this month to art and especially watercolor painting. But I think I will not do the inktober challenge for now. Maybe I will get to do the last half of it later but just now I need to get back into the peaceful/mindful mindset that I need for doing watercolor. Pushing myself with a challenge will not help here.
I started watching YouTube draw with me videos of one of my favorite artists there. It helps getting back into watercolors and Inks.

Another day of endless boredom at work. Being underwhelmed/underchallenged and having condescending colleagues is an awful combination. I'm developing the worst imposter syndrome and start believing that I am on the sidelines because I'm useless. I want least Year back I'd rather have the stress and project burden because that at least feels productive and successful.
I'm really work depressed lately. I'm seriously considering of looking for a new job...maybe do phD after all maybe that's the sign I was waiting for.

Nothing is worse for a highly intelligent and gifted person to be under-challenged and underwhelmed....

Today, I came home from work crying because I realised how underchallenged and boring my work currently is. My expertise is currently not being used because customer projects come in slow and don't get to the downstream processing/purification part (I'm a specialist for protein pruification). I don't get many other opportunities to show my skills and knowledge and only do some minor backup tasks like writing working instructions...Nothing about my work currenly feels rewaring and chellengeing. I am a scientist, I love the try and error and the challenge! I thrive in that. I literally work best with stress and being overloaded with work than with being underwhelmed...
On top of it I'm gettin really bad imposter syndrome because of not being able to show my expertise while my colleagues currenlty thrive and get ever opportunity to show their knowledge and expert fields. We got a new teamlead in march and so far I feel like I could not show off/prove my skille and knowledge to him while the others could. I feel like I'm standing in the shadows sometimes even being actively pushed back into them. Like a tool put in a shelf not neede for now collecting dust.
It's incredibly frustrating and deressing for me because I am a scientist by heart I love my profession...

Now my overthinking brain gets even to the point where I'm asking myself if they are boring me out on purpose, so I leave the company on my own accord and they don't have to fire me, because they can't without a reason....
I'm more and more thinking of actually looking for a different posititon... Maybe I'll apply for a pHD after all...

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