CristallDarcy

"Did you know that more murders are committed at ninety-two degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature? I read an article once
Lower temperatures, people are easy-going. Over ninety-two, it's too hot to move
But just ninety-two, people get irritable!"

This Friday was possibly the last time I played the Harp for my father....
Never felt the strings of my heart this hard to pluck.

It was the hardest thing I ever did because I inherited my passion for art and music from my dad...

How do you convince the person who's taught you to always be brave and never give up, to not give up on themselves? Without being pushy or giving false hope? And how do you do that while being eaten up on the inside by anxiety and fear?

You know that feeling of being scared to be happy even for a brief moment? Because that sensation when your happy little world crashes down and wrenches your entire gut and closes your thoat is the worst. And the bad always seems to come smashing down when you've just started floating again. So you avoid the crash by any cost. just not allowing youself to float up with happiness again. If everything remains in shambles maybe the bad won't come because ther is nothing left to shatter...
But sometimes you are dumb and faint glitter of hope makes you think maybe I'll try floating again maybe this time it won't crash. But it will.
Just one call and a nice and relaxed weekend that finally cheered me up a bit, became the start of probably the most difficult time I'll have to face...
I'm trueley terrified of whats ahead...

Another day wasted by sleeping too long and then forcing myself to do chores like groceries...
I sat down to look at job offerings to at least do something useful instead of staring at my phone. Just to find that the only job offer that I had my hopes on is expired. They probably filled the position and didn't even read my application anymore. All other things I find are not in my expertise and also not in my local vicinity....
This disappointment was the last thing I needed right now. I was already in the ditch feeling burned out, abandoned and left alone with my problems. People are just too busy to care. Now I can put hopelessness right next to it on my depression Bingo card...
What an awesome start this year. And with the current political situation it will only get worse. Shit time to be alive our future is as rosy as a dumpster. I'm loosing any desire to see it.

Another day left abandoned in the ditch of depression and burnout. Let's see how long I will be burning myself out today.
At least I can I turn to music for consolation without being let down.


There is one phrase that almost everyone close to you will say but never actually mean it. People who stay true to it are exceptionally rare and never get that back from others.

I just had a meltdown in the lab...because I'm burned and spent by this shit. This company has burned me completely and I'm just a walking pile of ash. Every passing day I wish more and more that I was one of the people that were layed off or that I would have an accident break and ankle or so and get a sick leave for a few weeks. Just to catch a breath and be an unexpected gap on the personal.
It's not the stress that's getting me I actually don't think the workload is overwhelming at the moment it's average and manageable. It's the lack of pay and appreciation that bothers me. I came on Saturdays I came on Sundays gave 110% to make them see that I am worth getting the same pay as the others and instead I get a warm sweaty handshake and a chocolate I can't even eat.
And I'm still trying to give a 110 percent that I don't even have in me anymore why because of revenge because I want it to hurt heavily when I leave and I want to see them in false security about my loyalty. But I'm not even sure that's worth it...
At this point I just wish for a new job opportunity and hope the company goes bankrupt so that I can get social support. I wouldn't get that for a few months if I resigned without a new job.

I'm so tired of all I don't even know how I still manage to get myself out if bed everyday. In the past few weeks I caught myself wishing I would catch a nasty cold or even fall off the bike and break something so I can catch a break...
How Terrible is that.

I'm having an extremely shitty day. days of work for the bin because the detection failed. This project is being such a bitch. Great.. running on overtime again and for what it's not even giving me good results. I am so pissed by this. I can forget about my Hobbies and sports again. I'll just go to bed what's the point of having a life anyway. I just hate that this stupid company has such a major impact on my private life. More and more I envy the people who were laid off. Because they don't have to carry the burden of our leadership's incompetence anymore.

Guess who didn't catch up on sleep last night and is also doing overtime again 🤮 I'm so freaking tired of this shit..