Happiness and good Fortune are like a golden sand flowing into an hourglass of life sometimes there are black grains representing the bad things that sometimes happen but for most they are tuning to gold once they reach the majority of gold. But for some people the sand has more black grains than most, and some of those tend to give their few golden grains to others to help them turn their black to gold, which often leave the givers with overpowering obsidian sand that often turns new gold to black. And if they ask others for just a speckle of gold in return to help Turing the black to gold, they often have to beg for it or end up turning the others sand black just by opening their their hourglass. I am certainly one of the latter people. My body and mind is filled with poisonous black sand and my tongue turns it into venom injecting it to others whenever reach for support or comfort. I have realized a very concerning pattern that gives me the worst anxiety right now. I'm poisoning the last golden grain of sand whenever I open my heart and don't swallow my feelings for once. I should finally stop trying and go back to being the quiet listener that gives her golden grains to others and fights against the black by herself. That will spare me from a lot of feelings of disappointment, and anxiety and guilt about upsetting others by voicing when I'm being upset or disappointed. I'll just suck it up and be too forgiving for my own good the sake of harmony. How sad is that? I have become scared of being upset because it upsets others and I feel guilty then. Can one be more of a peoplepleaser just to not end up all alone? Today was a terrible day on so many levels, not only was I still feeling upset, I was also anxious to the point of barely being able to breathe because I had I realized this destructive and poisonous pattern that always, really ALWAYS has been following when I open up and threatens the last good thing I have that is supposed to be an anchor right now. And on top of all, some actually supposedly good news came in from a friend but I can't be happy for them instead it really pulls me down because the topic reminds me of my health issues that are kinda related... And as I currently have no one to talk to because my tongue is venomous and I just ruin everone elses minds, I have to rant it out to strangers in the internet. Maybe the more creative writing approach I took in the beginning is at least somewhat enjoyable to read. It was kind inspired by this song... https://youtu.be/FK3TDHnD1_0?list=RDFK3TDHnD1_0

Lately, When I express my genuine thoughts and concerns, it feels like a form of punishment. This happens both at work, in meetings where input is supposedly valued, and in my personal life. My attempts to voice a concern or a different perspective are often dismissed as pessimism, exaggeration, or even egomania. It seems I am being penalized simply for having an opinion and for caring enough to be concerned. Increasingly, I feel that I am being passively silenced—not with a direct command, but with subtle cues and reactions that make thinking feel like a forbidden act. I am being reduced to a sounding board, a wall for others to shout at, with no expectation of a reciprocal conversation. My role is not to contribute, but to absorb. And then, people wonder. They wonder why I am burning out, why my energy and creativity have evaporated, why my motivation has dwindled to nothing. They don't see the cumulative weight of being silenced. I notice that the situation is gradually affecting my body. I currently only sleep with a tight chest and painful breathing, and I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing.

Two Jewish guys are walking..... when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"

Phew, I'm exhausted... I'm still feeling the after-effects of rearranging and tidying up my apartment, and today felt like the longest Monday in months...; I started very early and worked the maximum amount of overtime allowed, then quickly ran to the post office at the last minute to take care of some private stuff (because digitization is a foreign concept in my country) and helped my neighbors with some minor IT issues (but that's okay, they're friendly and lovely people and I'm happy to help them). Now the last mission of the day is not to fall into bed too early, even though my pillow is winking at me really seductively :D

I make it a point to bring up politics and religion at Thanksgiving. It really shortens the list of people I have to buy for at Christmas.

somepeople think i love them but i onli love lex so what do i do

So I got talked to at work again,today. Because I said some stuff about my neighbors dog as well as a black metal artist I enjoy listening to,so i guss I can't even have freedom of speech at my own job.....sad. Might be switching departments but that probably won't help....have to see what happens,the first time was even more dumb...it was over the fact I had a colonoscopy appointment and people are asking about it,I kept on saying surgery because I get confused and info mixed up sometimes. So when I mentioned the correct reason I was met with extreme immature reactions,we'll see how much longer I'm at the Front End before switching departments.

Watching multiple videos of people freak out about getting neither Section 8, SNAP or EBT. I have nothing against people who deserve it, but we all know that the abuse is at least 50% of the people on it THAT DO NO QUALIFY...Illegals, healthy and young people, people on it for like 10-20-30 years and perpetual women with multiple children getting pregnant only to stay on the dole. Not all obviously, but quite a few. Is Trump doing it to cause panic and crime in order to smash hard and get more power?

Got an idea for a show where people go into the inner city and fix up old playgrounds and rec centers. I call it, "Pimp my Slide".

My work is such a weird place,I get along with pretty much everyone but there are some CRAZY opinionated people out there. I won't go into some of the stuff that I don't agree with there but I just keep my head down and keep on working. I have a co-worker who I think likes me but is way too young for me anyways,and is in a relationship...??? Uh,oook??? Either that or they are scared of me like a few customers are who just openly judge people,I get along with most people and customers so it's whatever lucky I have a place to walk to at least...Update: So today when I was on my break I took out a container from the break room microwave,as I needed to hear my food,I was sitting down listening to music,the co-worker totally like freaked out because her container was out of the microwave,yep. common sense is starting to get lost in my workplace no doubt.....