How do you get rid of emotions you don't want to have? SMH!

Wow what a shitty End for a vacation. Successfully ruined another persons day again just by trying to open up and share my fears and emotions in hopes to clear my anxiety that I had since yesterday...
But noo triggered somewhat of a fight and anxiety for the other side too.
Aaaaaand thats why I usually bottle things up. When I talk about it I piss people off or make them sad and that worsens my anxiety. Even when I thought hard about how I say it and what I say, it always goes down the wrong pipe and ends with the worst outcome...
Why do I even try again ana again it always ends in disappointment: either I'm a bad trigger or I'm as important as fucking chairs. After all im only good for listening not for talking about feelings. I just muck things up...

I feel like such a human failure...

Emotional dysregulation sucks... I was actually in quite a good mood today Until one little thing pushed the wrong button in me earlier and now I'm still brooding over it. At least my Harp took the anger out of it. That means the explosiveness is gone and i am more rational and calm. But I think I have been reacting too harshly earlier and now anxiety has replaced anger.
This just Sucks...
I hate that my emotions are right under my skin...

Not. a. single. Time.
Texted with my friend all evening. Not a single time did she ask how I was feeling if I got better since the last time we talked. Even when I hinted towards my depression. She did not ask further. It was probably too bothtersome. Just complaining on how bored she is, how she didn't know what to eat blah blah blah.
That's what I'm good for. To reach out to when there is nothing else to do. Or when there's emotions to dump. That's my use? Is The reason to exist in her circle? I'm so sick and tired of only existing when I have a function.

Putting in genuine effort feels like wasted effort sometimes. It's like people have this standard of movie-like perfection that just doesn't exist naturally, or without proper communication.

I feel humiliated and depressed, and on top of that I feel like the bad guy for having those emotions.

I feel like I've put genuine thought and effort into making this person feel important. I've stuck by and listened; really, genuinely listened.

All of that just to be left waiting, without any kind of heads up, flowers and gifts in hand, all dressed up and wanting to make it a special day.

Only to be stood up and told that no man has ever or will ever put any kind of real effort.

Was it not enough effort? Or am I just not a man?

I let myself be vulnerable enough to want to build a relationship again.

Even if it wasn't meant as a direct attack, I still feel disrespected.

I had no foul intentions. And my feeling were true.

I'm still processing how to feel and respond.

Idk, I'm just ranting and venting here so I can get it out of my system.

I didn't think I'd feel this hurt.

But oh well, love finds a way.

With someone, at some point in my life. Maybe someone else.

I'm going to keep putting in that effort, but for someone who appreciates the little gestures as much as the grand gestures.

I have my friends, I have my dog, and I have myself.

The rest will work itself out when it's time I guess.

Today really was a Terrible day. Not only did I work longer than it is legal (again). I also wasn't very focussed and did a lot of mistakes in my lab work...I don't think a blanket and c-drama will fix this day..-

I really need to dump & vent some emotions rn...humor me...
The fact that I am still very moody and don't really feel like talking to people one on one kinda contriubted to this day being shitty as lab work forces me to interact with my colleauges more than documentation. and I really don't feel like talking lately.
It's probably hard to get....While I do have a lot of things troubling me and I do need to get them off my chest, I dont have the energy nor the desire to open a 1 on 1 converstaion about it, and even less desire to talk about the world and smalltalk.
It's not like there are no people I could go to if I needed talking. There are. And I know I can go to them anytime. I just don't want to. Bc I don't want to have any interactive converstaions at the moment, if not necessary. Then I'd rahter passively dump it somewhere like here and get if off my chest. It is often not about wanting advice or needing re-assurance. It is mostly just wanting it out...
Just posting it in an anyways dead place gives me the freedom to decide on my own if and when I get advice or others opinion on it. If I need to I'll read comments, If I dont wan't to I just don't.
Is that weird??
I think I am like this because I have always been the Listeing and giving advice friend and not the sharing and wanting advice one.
I'm just used to being that way and found my ways to vent emotions...

I just can't comprehend how beautiful their music is. It's lyrics that you just feel right in the chest and the the musical power of each song🥰
Every song builds up to an epic musical climax with lots of emotions hitting all at once...
Things like this are the reason I couldn't live without music.

HAHAHAHA 😅😅if the emotions arent DEMONIC ! You can keep em. Im not interested. You bore me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mq-kTUSwDZw

Of course manhood emotions are not talket about. IT s Demonic Emotions