What a week...Give me a break already...this month is ass fucking hard... We have such s hardcore lack of personnel even when nobody is sick and now even one sickness is detrimental...How come that I am the only one in our team who is not calling in sick every other week while I've been struggling with long term health issues for almost the entire year... If I can make it to work while my body is lacking essential metabolic substances AND with an ongoing infection in my tooth with puss coming out (yes I got it checked out yes it's supposed to do that during healing.) ...why is a cold keeping others home? I'm too underpaid for this shit...

quick nobody open any doors

nobodycates

Happiness and good Fortune are like a golden sand flowing into an hourglass of life sometimes there are black grains representing the bad things that sometimes happen but for most they are tuning to gold once they reach the majority of gold. But for some people the sand has more black grains than most, and some of those tend to give their few golden grains to others to help them turn their black to gold, which often leave the givers with overpowering obsidian sand that often turns new gold to black. And if they ask others for just a speckle of gold in return to help Turing the black to gold, they often have to beg for it or end up turning the others sand black just by opening their their hourglass. I am certainly one of the latter people. My body and mind is filled with poisonous black sand and my tongue turns it into venom injecting it to others whenever reach for support or comfort. I have realized a very concerning pattern that gives me the worst anxiety right now. I'm poisoning the last golden grain of sand whenever I open my heart and don't swallow my feelings for once. I should finally stop trying and go back to being the quiet listener that gives her golden grains to others and fights against the black by herself. That will spare me from a lot of feelings of disappointment, and anxiety and guilt about upsetting others by voicing when I'm being upset or disappointed. I'll just suck it up and be too forgiving for my own good the sake of harmony. How sad is that? I have become scared of being upset because it upsets others and I feel guilty then. Can one be more of a peoplepleaser just to not end up all alone? Today was a terrible day on so many levels, not only was I still feeling upset, I was also anxious to the point of barely being able to breathe because I had I realized this destructive and poisonous pattern that always, really ALWAYS has been following when I open up and threatens the last good thing I have that is supposed to be an anchor right now. And on top of all, some actually supposedly good news came in from a friend but I can't be happy for them instead it really pulls me down because the topic reminds me of my health issues that are kinda related... And as I currently have no one to talk to because my tongue is venomous and I just ruin everone elses minds, I have to rant it out to strangers in the internet. Maybe the more creative writing approach I took in the beginning is at least somewhat enjoyable to read. It was kind inspired by this song... https://youtu.be/FK3TDHnD1_0?list=RDFK3TDHnD1_0

Lately, When I express my genuine thoughts and concerns, it feels like a form of punishment. This happens both at work, in meetings where input is supposedly valued, and in my personal life. My attempts to voice a concern or a different perspective are often dismissed as pessimism, exaggeration, or even egomania. It seems I am being penalized simply for having an opinion and for caring enough to be concerned. Increasingly, I feel that I am being passively silenced—not with a direct command, but with subtle cues and reactions that make thinking feel like a forbidden act. I am being reduced to a sounding board, a wall for others to shout at, with no expectation of a reciprocal conversation. My role is not to contribute, but to absorb. And then, people wonder. They wonder why I am burning out, why my energy and creativity have evaporated, why my motivation has dwindled to nothing. They don't see the cumulative weight of being silenced. I notice that the situation is gradually affecting my body. I currently only sleep with a tight chest and painful breathing, and I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing.

Urrrghhh im sooo stuuuupiiiiddd!!! And so angry at myself!!!! I successfully delayed my chances to FINALLY get a blood coagulation test and thus the chance be able to start the treatment that I desperately need for months (but can't get until we know my blood coagulating factor) for another week because I took the wrong painkillers yesterday 😭😭😭 I usually take paracetamol but I couldn't find it so I took a mixed preparate that contains para and aspirin. Aspirin has a blood thinning effect that lasts for 4-8 days. I just realized this as I was about to call my doctor to see if we can finally get my blood tested. Now I have to wait another week until we can draw blood for the testing. Which will then take another week to receive the results (at least, prolly more) and that delays my therapy even more. My body is already suffering notably from the severe deficiency that needs treatment. I am so angry at myself why did I not think? I work in pharma industry I KNEW of this effect...

ifican dreemit ucan dooit orsome bodywill

Not like anyone cares but I'll blog it here anyways... Cause here at least I can pretend ppl care... I'm Ending vacation with a bad migraine attack and possibly an incubating flu. Great. Not like my I overall declining health has been enough strain in my body and mental health. Maybe I shouldn't have made plans for Halloween at all... Just ended with a ruined evening and feeling bad about being the cause of it...

Patriotic Goth Music from Austria https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8fIj3u21n4 Our landscape raped by different armies Soldiers, slaves who have no faces Control our ways and lives completely Our minds are torn, time left its traces Controlled by TV screens and letters That point out assimilation To trends and movements from outside Fall victim to this infiltration Everybody's just consuming What the media's dictating And they all have just forgot The joy that is to creating Here in the heart of Europe No one stands up proud no more Here in the heart of Europe Our culture is a dying whore No room for individuality Grey masses who think one way only Move like robots through the streets In our thinking we stand lonely Once a land of art and culture Now slave to streams from outside Our nations culture, doomed and dying Like a candle's fading light

Waiting for the doctors to return so I can finally get on with fixing my health drives me crazy. There is a lot of anxiety and what ifs connected to it and I just want answers...this uncertainty and not being able to move forward with treatment because outside factors control timelines is so incredibly frustrating. I feel that every passing day is lost time in this regard. And since nobody in my social circal seems to care enough to listen to me when I try talking about it and just turn to dumping their shit and their problems on me as soon as we mention health or mental health, I need to vent it out here into the void.