Another day wasted by sleeping too long and then forcing myself to do chores like groceries...
I sat down to look at job offerings to at least do something useful instead of staring at my phone. Just to find that the only job offer that I had my hopes on is expired. They probably filled the position and didn't even read my application anymore. All other things I find are not in my expertise and also not in my local vicinity....
This disappointment was the last thing I needed right now. I was already in the ditch feeling burned out, abandoned and left alone with my problems. People are just too busy to care. Now I can put hopelessness right next to it on my depression Bingo card...
What an awesome start this year. And with the current political situation it will only get worse. Shit time to be alive our future is as rosy as a dumpster. I'm loosing any desire to see it.

Another day left abandoned in the ditch of depression and burnout. Let's see how long I will be burning myself out today.
At least I can I turn to music for consolation without being let down.


There is one phrase that almost everyone close to you will say but never actually mean it. People who stay true to it are exceptionally rare and never get that back from others.

I'm sinking more and more into one of my sleep escapism-depressions again. Everything is so discouraging and seems so hopeless....

I can barely get myself to leave the bed lately. I lack any motivation and elan to do anything.
Perpetually trapped in task paralysis.

On workdays I push myself to still give 110% despite constantly asking "what am I doing it for its not like it's fruitful for me". Work drains me so much I can't find the energy to look for new jobs after hours.
And on Weekends I am still drained and barely drag myself out of bed after sleeping for 12hr, then I end up on the couch staring into my phone screen doomscrolling, because I can't get myself to sit on my PC and look for job offers because I know there are barely any that are suitable for me. But pursuing my hobbies makes me feel guilty because "I should spend this time on looking for jobs".
So I just sit there on the couch trapped by invisible chains of guilt and discourage while I'm hoping for the unlikely miracle that a Recruiter will find my job profile and it's the perfect match for both sides. And that the world politics wills suddenly be bearable again. But with the current leaders pfft finding the Amber-room again is more likely than having a secure and happy future.
Thats why I keep asking myself: What future am even doing it for?

#depression #anxiety

god truly make me so ooverpowered that i had 2 be nerfed with depression and being broke

"Don't let your mind bully your body"
I should engrave that onto my bathroom mirror...
my self view on so many aspects beside body image has been very bad lately because of depression and feeling abandoned by all my close friends ... like I'm not worth to be kept around. It has started to affect my body too...I'm starting to have ED behavioral patterns come back and starting to have some weird health issues... Now I need to run to the overcrowded doctors again. It's so much of a hassle to get appointments and don't miss outvon work. Where I have to outperform at the moment too bc I got a new boss and want a raise...

I think depression has killed my spark...
Even though I am working through the things depressing me and starting to find closure. I feel like the fire within me is gone too. Snuffed to not even a spark. I'm not even looking forward to the big events that l love visiting so much. They are just there on the agenda. And I will go there because I know I will regret not going. But there is no enthusiasm about them right now. No anticipation nor excitement.
Idk if it is because I have been visiting that next upcoming event for over 10 years, or if it is because these were events I used to visit with friends but they don't come anymore...idk I just don't feel any excitement or anticipation and that's scary. Looking forward to these events used to cheer me up a lot..
I'm sorry to all the (very few) people wo love me for my bubbly enthusiasm, infectious excitement, and passionate personality...that fire is gone...

Thunderbolts was a really good movie, I also liked the fact they addressed depression in the movie, Way to many people are depressed and in a dark hole, And the movie addressing it, Will hopefully lead to less people killing themselves or being in that dark hole, Right message for Hollywood to be sending instead of all this other B.S its tried to push, Also walked out of the theatre to see all these electric signs telling people that they matter! , Lets go back to fighting against depression in the world, Instead of having all this woke bullshit!
FUCK SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION! We need to help those who are in that dark hole!

Not. a. single. Time.
Texted with my friend all evening. Not a single time did she ask how I was feeling if I got better since the last time we talked. Even when I hinted towards my depression. She did not ask further. It was probably too bothtersome. Just complaining on how bored she is, how she didn't know what to eat blah blah blah.
That's what I'm good for. To reach out to when there is nothing else to do. Or when there's emotions to dump. That's my use? Is The reason to exist in her circle? I'm so sick and tired of only existing when I have a function.

It was a good decision to go to the park today.
Take that depression!