"Don't let your mind bully your body"
I should engrave that onto my bathroom mirror...
my self view on so many aspects beside body image has been very bad lately because of depression and feeling abandoned by all my close friends ... like I'm not worth to be kept around. It has started to affect my body too...I'm starting to have ED behavioral patterns come back and starting to have some weird health issues... Now I need to run to the overcrowded doctors again. It's so much of a hassle to get appointments and don't miss outvon work. Where I have to outperform at the moment too bc I got a new boss and want a raise...

I think depression has killed my spark...
Even though I am working through the things depressing me and starting to find closure. I feel like the fire within me is gone too. Snuffed to not even a spark. I'm not even looking forward to the big events that l love visiting so much. They are just there on the agenda. And I will go there because I know I will regret not going. But there is no enthusiasm about them right now. No anticipation nor excitement.
Idk if it is because I have been visiting that next upcoming event for over 10 years, or if it is because these were events I used to visit with friends but they don't come anymore...idk I just don't feel any excitement or anticipation and that's scary. Looking forward to these events used to cheer me up a lot..
I'm sorry to all the (very few) people wo love me for my bubbly enthusiasm, infectious excitement, and passionate personality...that fire is gone...

Thunderbolts was a really good movie, I also liked the fact they addressed depression in the movie, Way to many people are depressed and in a dark hole, And the movie addressing it, Will hopefully lead to less people killing themselves or being in that dark hole, Right message for Hollywood to be sending instead of all this other B.S its tried to push, Also walked out of the theatre to see all these electric signs telling people that they matter! , Lets go back to fighting against depression in the world, Instead of having all this woke bullshit!
FUCK SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION! We need to help those who are in that dark hole!

Not. a. single. Time.
Texted with my friend all evening. Not a single time did she ask how I was feeling if I got better since the last time we talked. Even when I hinted towards my depression. She did not ask further. It was probably too bothtersome. Just complaining on how bored she is, how she didn't know what to eat blah blah blah.
That's what I'm good for. To reach out to when there is nothing else to do. Or when there's emotions to dump. That's my use? Is The reason to exist in her circle? I'm so sick and tired of only existing when I have a function.

It was a good decision to go to the park today.
Take that depression!

I am at peak depression again, I think.
All those calls for open positions exhaust me already.
I apologize for not being online too much... :/

I've done some reflecting today. I think I have unconciously been spiraling down the depression spiral since November with some high phases re-locating the issue in a very self destructive behavioral patterns. that has led to a distorted vision of myself and my personality. Now have a major setback in my self view and I hate many things about myself that I worked so hard on learning to love. Now I need to re-learn to love these things about myself.
How did it even come so far without ne noticing...

I think this is week 2 of Listening to this band nonstop pretending that it will fix my overstimmulation and the high functioning burnout I'm currently facing....At least I have something that I can cling onto for comfort am I right?
I pity my neighbours who have to listen to this blasting from my speakers, as soon as I come home to 2am when I go to bed...and sometimes even in the morning when I get ready Hope it fixes their depression too otherwise thats awkward...

#depression #anxiety

My sister and I, Depression era Christmas 1933