#depression #anxiety

I am so drained by all of this...I feel like I'm the glue holding this situation together. I kept suprisingly calm when others couldn't and had my anxiety under control, sacrificed my comfort zone for others and swallowed my dicsontent and annoyedness for the sake of peace in this severe situation bc in this situation a familly fight would be the worst and I am also very harmony desireing & driven. I only have the strenght to do this because I care about my family so much.

But now things are kinda decided over my head, and I will only get my space back for a mere few days before I'm indruded upon again. I would not say no but at least, it would be nice and considerate to include me into the decision over my own space and listen to my opinion on what would be the best and most helpful in this situation.

I just wanna hit pause and have a bit of a breather... I am so overwhlemed by the general situation And can't do most of the things that are emotional ventiles for me, because of permantely having to function. I even got sick myself and still functioned for others. I am the one who doesn't have the luxury of getting to be overwhelmed right now...I have to function permanently until I go to bed at night becaue I am the tape that holds things right now.

The only highlight if today was that someone brought a waffle maker and we got to eat waffles as a St. Nikolaus' treat.
The rest of this day is a permanent alternation of stress and anxiety...
Just one more week to go...

Aaand another worry to keep my anxiety busy...
Not sure if I still have a future in the company im currently employed at. On one hand the leadership team is dropping hints that I will get a more important role next year. Is it a Promotion or at least a raise incoming? and on the other hand there are rumors that the company will be sold and is starting to collapse on it's own...
I don't know what to believe anymore I wish the LT were more transparent on the future of the company. Feels like they just tell me lies so I don't leave now...not to Brag but my Departement is fucked if i didn't pull so much weight. They are lucky I rarely get the flu

Oh dear, the next few days will probably require a lot of masking...
There are so many project presentations coming up that I have to lead, and tomorrow we have a big company event where it was mentioned that I'll be photographed more often, as a showpiece so to speak.
On the one hand, I see the whole thing as an opportunity to consolidate certain positions for myself, but on the other hand, I'm being pushed hard into the center of attention, which I don't really like.

Well, now it's time to make myself 'pretty' so that I don't look quite so shitty tomorrow.
Hopefully I can sleep despite the intense anxiety...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand depression and anxiety hit again. WOO!

Back to work: needless to say, I have crippling anxiety today still. Let's see if I survive this madness or break down. :^)

And just like that, my depression and anxiety combos have forced me to spend all day in bed barely moving a muscle and playing music so loud I'm surprised I didn't get any noise complaints (YET) :D :D

And just like that, the weekend is over.
Time to struggle at work and drink insane amounts of coffee to overcome anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. :D :D :D

Hellou!

When you already have anxiety and decided to drink a fuck ton of coffee today. 🫠