I'm at the verge of crying every day...Wednesdays and Thursdays are always the hardest work days for me currently. I practically have to drag myself to work everyday and it's hardest on these days.
Next Monday I have a 1:1 with my boss...I hope I can address the issues. Although I would prefer to talk to another person First to get their opinion before taking to my boss. I think that would be more strategic but I will not have a meeting with them until next Wednesday. And I don't think I can wait this long...the longer leave this unresolved the more anxiety I'm developing about this. It's such a dilemma: be strategic and tall to the righ person first, but deal with my fears and anxiety a week longer or just talk to my boss directly without having that other insight. I feel so burdened by it. And no one can really help me except those 2 supervisors. So I have to carry this until they have one for me.
I can barely focus on the little work I do have and that makes my anxiety even worse because I feel even more useless and like I'm not performing well that makes and my fears that they are planning to let me go even worse...

When you want to take care of your health, finally want to face your anxiety and make an appointment with that one special doctor you don't like going to. And they hit you with: "next appointment we have open is in September"
And then they wonder why most things in that department are only diagnosed when it's too late to treat them.

JAysTwo Cents always takes my anxiety away

Emotional dysregulation sucks... I was actually in quite a good mood today Until one little thing pushed the wrong button in me earlier and now I'm still brooding over it. At least my Harp took the anger out of it. That means the explosiveness is gone and i am more rational and calm. But I think I have been reacting too harshly earlier and now anxiety has replaced anger.
This just Sucks...
I hate that my emotions are right under my skin...

Stress and dealing with constant anxiety never seems to end I need a holiday ,somewhere far away from the uk

#depression #anxiety

I am so drained by all of this...I feel like I'm the glue holding this situation together. I kept suprisingly calm when others couldn't and had my anxiety under control, sacrificed my comfort zone for others and swallowed my dicsontent and annoyedness for the sake of peace in this severe situation bc in this situation a familly fight would be the worst and I am also very harmony desireing & driven. I only have the strenght to do this because I care about my family so much.

But now things are kinda decided over my head, and I will only get my space back for a mere few days before I'm indruded upon again. I would not say no but at least, it would be nice and considerate to include me into the decision over my own space and listen to my opinion on what would be the best and most helpful in this situation.

I just wanna hit pause and have a bit of a breather... I am so overwhlemed by the general situation And can't do most of the things that are emotional ventiles for me, because of permantely having to function. I even got sick myself and still functioned for others. I am the one who doesn't have the luxury of getting to be overwhelmed right now...I have to function permanently until I go to bed at night becaue I am the tape that holds things right now.

The only highlight if today was that someone brought a waffle maker and we got to eat waffles as a St. Nikolaus' treat.
The rest of this day is a permanent alternation of stress and anxiety...
Just one more week to go...

Aaand another worry to keep my anxiety busy...
Not sure if I still have a future in the company im currently employed at. On one hand the leadership team is dropping hints that I will get a more important role next year. Is it a Promotion or at least a raise incoming? and on the other hand there are rumors that the company will be sold and is starting to collapse on it's own...
I don't know what to believe anymore I wish the LT were more transparent on the future of the company. Feels like they just tell me lies so I don't leave now...not to Brag but my Departement is fucked if i didn't pull so much weight. They are lucky I rarely get the flu

Oh dear, the next few days will probably require a lot of masking...
There are so many project presentations coming up that I have to lead, and tomorrow we have a big company event where it was mentioned that I'll be photographed more often, as a showpiece so to speak.
On the one hand, I see the whole thing as an opportunity to consolidate certain positions for myself, but on the other hand, I'm being pushed hard into the center of attention, which I don't really like.

Well, now it's time to make myself 'pretty' so that I don't look quite so shitty tomorrow.
Hopefully I can sleep despite the intense anxiety...