You know that feeling of being scared to be happy even for a brief moment? Because that sensation when your happy little world crashes down and wrenches your entire gut and closes your thoat is the worst. And the bad always seems to come smashing down when you've just started floating again. So you avoid the crash by any cost. just not allowing youself to float up with happiness again. If everything remains in shambles maybe the bad won't come because ther is nothing left to shatter...
But sometimes you are dumb and faint glitter of hope makes you think maybe I'll try floating again maybe this time it won't crash. But it will.
Just one call and a nice and relaxed weekend that finally cheered me up a bit, became the start of probably the most difficult time I'll have to face...
I'm trueley terrified of whats ahead...

Hella hype for this weekend. After work our entire IT department is going camping. Looking forward to relaxing in the woods with the IT homies. Sheeeeeesh!

I'm sinking more and more into one of my sleep escapism-depressions again. Everything is so discouraging and seems so hopeless....

I can barely get myself to leave the bed lately. I lack any motivation and elan to do anything.
Perpetually trapped in task paralysis.

On workdays I push myself to still give 110% despite constantly asking "what am I doing it for its not like it's fruitful for me". Work drains me so much I can't find the energy to look for new jobs after hours.
And on Weekends I am still drained and barely drag myself out of bed after sleeping for 12hr, then I end up on the couch staring into my phone screen doomscrolling, because I can't get myself to sit on my PC and look for job offers because I know there are barely any that are suitable for me. But pursuing my hobbies makes me feel guilty because "I should spend this time on looking for jobs".
So I just sit there on the couch trapped by invisible chains of guilt and discourage while I'm hoping for the unlikely miracle that a Recruiter will find my job profile and it's the perfect match for both sides. And that the world politics wills suddenly be bearable again. But with the current leaders pfft finding the Amber-room again is more likely than having a secure and happy future.
Thats why I keep asking myself: What future am even doing it for?

Dangerous situation this coming weekend. We could be measuring snow accumulations in feet. That's the best case scenario. If it's more of an ice storm, it could be catastrophic. Massive infrastructure and power grid damage could occur, so here's hoping we just get buried with snow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crDTz1skj9c

Wheeeee finally all chores and exercise and whatnot adulting stuff done. FINALLY WEEKEND TIME
Too bad I have to swing by the lab over the weekend to start some cultures. Not excited about that but TBH it's my kinda my own fault in combination with some bad luck. Forgot to inoculate on Wednesday, and what I inoculated on Thursday did not grow well enough. 😮‍💨That's science for ya...

But here is some good tune to unwind to

This weekend, I tried my hand at baking with rye flour for the first time.
I usually stick to wheat, spelt, or mixed grain breads, but this time I was determined to bake a pure rye loaf.
For context, rye is a bit special. You can't just use a good yeast and be done with it. Instead, it's a process that requires cultivating a sourdough starter and carefully controlling the dough's resting time; otherwise, the bread won't be digestible.
The conditions were finally right, so I made time for it... and the result is fantastic (unfortunately, I have no pictures). In my opinion, it's the best-tasting bread I've baked so far. The texture and the slightly sour aftertaste are perfect.
Baking bread has truly become a passion of mine

Shifting this weekend into high gear.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_myvlIjfXg

Finally weekend. Time to annoy my neighbors because I really want to redecorate my entire living room. I'm not very happy with the current design at the moment :D

Weekend just starting for me. Hell yeah