I'm sinking more and more into one of my sleep escapism-depressions again. Everything is so discouraging and seems so hopeless....

I can barely get myself to leave the bed lately. I lack any motivation and elan to do anything.
Perpetually trapped in task paralysis.

On workdays I push myself to still give 110% despite constantly asking "what am I doing it for its not like it's fruitful for me". Work drains me so much I can't find the energy to look for new jobs after hours.
And on Weekends I am still drained and barely drag myself out of bed after sleeping for 12hr, then I end up on the couch staring into my phone screen doomscrolling, because I can't get myself to sit on my PC and look for job offers because I know there are barely any that are suitable for me. But pursuing my hobbies makes me feel guilty because "I should spend this time on looking for jobs".
So I just sit there on the couch trapped by invisible chains of guilt and discourage while I'm hoping for the unlikely miracle that a Recruiter will find my job profile and it's the perfect match for both sides. And that the world politics wills suddenly be bearable again. But with the current leaders pfft finding the Amber-room again is more likely than having a secure and happy future.
Thats why I keep asking myself: What future am even doing it for?

We don’t give a damn about the color of your skin, but however we do care about freedom, equality and character.
https://x.com/DineshDSouza/status/2019773539784511772

I find it hilarious that someone on this site is asking for help to develop a new "goth" site when what they developed is needing access to someone's backend and likes their own post.

Do not trust that individual.

Nergal har osså skinn på näsan https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgidsq70rkQ&list=RDcgidsq70rkQ&start_radio=1

So if you masturbate before getting a shower and go to clesn your butthole when you're in there and accidentally get semen in your butt does that make you gay? Asking for a friend.

Syntec , Blutengel, In Strict Confidence, C Lekktor. Hocico, , E-craft, And One, Code 64, Feindflug, Aslan Faction, VNV Nation, U96, Struck 9, Ministry, Skinny Puppy,

Anti-White racism is not okay. White people, like any group, have a right to exist, thrive, and be judged by their actions, not vilified for their skin color. Targeting them for their heritage or identity is a form of bigotry, plain and simple. Defending Whiteness isn’t about supremacy, it’s about insisting that no group should be singled out or treated as inferior. Fairness and free thought demand equal respect for everyone, including White people.

Anti-White racism must end.

Got through the photo upload issue over 27 people saw my comment asking for help but we're unable to, it was not an easy fix I had to get my neighbor to help as neither meta AI or Google AI could help AI IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS STUFF!!! I hate AI it's dumb and un helpful!

So I got talked to at work again,today. Because I said some stuff about my neighbors dog as well as a black metal artist I enjoy listening to,so i guss I can't even have freedom of speech at my own job.....sad. Might be switching departments but that probably won't help....have to see what happens,the first time was even more dumb...it was over the fact I had a colonoscopy appointment and people are asking about it,I kept on saying surgery because I get confused and info mixed up sometimes. So when I mentioned the correct reason I was met with extreme immature reactions,we'll see how much longer I'm at the Front End before switching departments.

Im thinking of quitting inktober (yet again) before i even really started on it. Idk just the thought of planning and actually making an ink drawing every day stresses me out. Although it was something that I easily did in the past. Even multiple ones a day... I think it's because of not having as much time to invest in art anymore I kinda lost my connection to it. I rarely get to sit down to actually paint. Every year I start the inktober challeng in hope to get my connection back but every time for the past 3 years I end up having to quit halfway through for multiple reasons like getting behind lacking time. This year I'm already stressed about having to catch up on the first few days that I missed.
Maybe I just had a bad start...I wanted to warm up by finishing one of least years works that I never got to complete and I totally messed it up and on top it tore apart when I tried to remove the one year old masking tape... Seems like an omen...
I will still dedicate this month to art and especially watercolor painting. But I think I will not do the inktober challenge for now. Maybe I will get to do the last half of it later but just now I need to get back into the peaceful/mindful mindset that I need for doing watercolor. Pushing myself with a challenge will not help here.
I started watching YouTube draw with me videos of one of my favorite artists there. It helps getting back into watercolors and Inks.