(not sure if anyone reads this, but I think I just need a platform to shout out... not suited for everyone I guess btw..)
Living with Bipolar Disorder is just the worst... not sure if anyone else is dealing with this shit but the worst are those crashing episodes that you cannot foresee yourself.
Especially those Episodes where you just running internally mentally wild and the only thing you feel is just that anyone just want to betray and hurt you... even your closest ones.
In addition, when I'm in a breakdown, the ‘spectrum’ in me swings so hard that I literally become completely blind to communicative schemes and can no longer understand or interpret anything like indirect speech in any way (probably always the main reason why I try to withdraw from anyone).
In these phases, indirect language is as incomprehensible to me as a foreign language that I can't understand in any way. Unfortunately, very few people understand this because they are used to other ways of communicating with me.
I'm really not sure what triggered the current episode: the constant stress at work, the stress of being available for everyone and everything every second for the last few months, or my own realization and disappointment that I think I've made so many bad decisions in the past because of my good faith, which have destroyed paths I would have liked to take(career and study-wise).
However, I currently hate myself more than usual; not only for what I haven't achieved at the moment, but especially for the way I behave towards others uncontrollably during this phase.
I am unconsciously insulting and offending those who actually want the best for me.
I hide and deny the real causes until it is too late... (I'm such a coward)
I wish I would be fixable but I'm not I guess...

The worst thing is probably this post-episode in which you realize that not only the world itself is the problem, but that your own grievance towards others is also the problem in this world.
(No wonder why the S-rate is so high in this disorder circle, since most people can't find any other solution).

Maybe I just want someone to tell me directly and unhinged that they actual love me for what I am and that what I'm trying to achieve is enough

Haven't had a whole lot of free time this summer ,working, working on alot of music and working out everyday in the mornings ,family stuff, creating heavy heavy music and battle jackets. The concert i was supposed to attend ended up being a bust (see my previous post) the band who is from Maryland DROVE (didn't fly) the 13 hours to MN for the concert ,they got here around 10pm,we ll MN noise lays are 10pm so the concert got canceled and the band was literally RIGHT THERE ! to say the least im still getting over this as i take my music pretty seriously and this was going to be a show of a lifetime, instead of heading home straight away i stuck and and chatted with a few other people there and ended up staying downtown at the venue till like 1:00 in the morning just talking, made some new friends i would say, had some CRAZY dude jacked up on lots of something get in our faces while we were playing music on our phones, some dude was fighting invisible enemies while waiting for the light rail train, people screaming at each other ,the usual downtown MN for you there. overall though the night was not wasted and i'm looking forward to getting merch from the show as well as my next concert.. hopefully sooner than later.

Still hating every picture I take of myself where I don't hide in a cosplay (aka literally not being myself).... But I'm trying to convince myself to like this one....Give me a reality check...

I have been thinking of getting a facial piercing for a while now.. Do you think a labret would suit me ? Put a fake one on my lip a few weeks ago and took a picture. But I can't decide of I like or hate it. I kinda hate seeing myself in most of the selfies I take, except for cosplay pics in which im literally not myself. I have been struggling with body dismorphia and self-esteem a lot lately...so I need a confidence boost...

Literally me breaking up with my now ex

#massage #wife

My wife last night: 'You can literally do NOTHING in order to satisfy me after a long and tiresome week!'

My wife after 10 minutes:

Haven't had whole lot of time to be on here. working like crazy past few days people REALLY freak out here and are like oh my god its snowing quick lets raid the co-op's...yeah been that busy. I guess as humans a few of us have evolved with no common sense whatsoever like my neighbor, i finally had it and went to the cops with my mom and had a great respectful conversation with an officer, i went out on my deck the night after and did a fake very loud cell phone call, acting like i was on the phone with the cops to freak out my neighbor, his dog is immensely stupid and barks literally at nothing, as i'm typing this now and his dog barked, its that dumb. he's been quiet for a bit now and i'm hoping it worked, really would suck to call them though but it might be necessary ,still want my neighbor to move out so someone of actual quality can live there...

Putting in genuine effort feels like wasted effort sometimes. It's like people have this standard of movie-like perfection that just doesn't exist naturally, or without proper communication.

I feel humiliated and depressed, and on top of that I feel like the bad guy for having those emotions.

I feel like I've put genuine thought and effort into making this person feel important. I've stuck by and listened; really, genuinely listened.

All of that just to be left waiting, without any kind of heads up, flowers and gifts in hand, all dressed up and wanting to make it a special day.

Only to be stood up and told that no man has ever or will ever put any kind of real effort.

Was it not enough effort? Or am I just not a man?

I let myself be vulnerable enough to want to build a relationship again.

Even if it wasn't meant as a direct attack, I still feel disrespected.

I had no foul intentions. And my feeling were true.

I'm still processing how to feel and respond.

Idk, I'm just ranting and venting here so I can get it out of my system.

I didn't think I'd feel this hurt.

But oh well, love finds a way.

With someone, at some point in my life. Maybe someone else.

I'm going to keep putting in that effort, but for someone who appreciates the little gestures as much as the grand gestures.

I have my friends, I have my dog, and I have myself.

The rest will work itself out when it's time I guess.

First day back at work after 2 Weeks vacation and I am greeted with my substitute not having done ANY of the work I had prepared for him...I I literally pre digested the project for him!

Ironically, when he went on vactation in october I had to take over this project for him and he hadn't even worked on it yet, nor had he prepared anything for handover... I had to gather all of the info on my own.
Then I was even so nice to not get revenge and still prepare handover materials for him and what does he do? Nothing. And he's so casual about it!

Literally lol