i was sittin on a lovely bench last night
looked to my right
a couple of guys
and one ems wife
all drinkin smokin cigarettes
on the saturday night
i was thinkin
about how i had nothing but
a light
one em walked over to the trashcan
next to me and dropped his half beer in and gave me a grin
well it wasnt a grin but it was some kind of look
as i looked at the beer i would have gladly took
fall down
just no consideration
man down man down

as he walked back
he mumbled something about how "its just a beer, cant even throw a beer away, """"

i thought maybe he assumed i was an environmental nut
scoffing at a bottle not being
recycled

i had had enough
time to move on
i get up and they are blocking my way

i judge the go around
no fucking way
i got all night but not all day


i move to walk through
the group of three
two men standing
much bigger than me
the woman sitting alone laughing
on the bench made for three

the man in the middle stops laughing and looks at me
i gesture because i just want to walk by
and he asks me
"do you got a problem?"
all my problems surface in my mind and i sigh
as i know ill tell him
every goddamn one

and i realize this is just an alpha thing and these alphas are drunk
they want to fight someone
but me seriously
do they think
that i think
im bruce fucking lee

i just hold up the crumpled cigarette i had found on the ground
and ask if i could have one of theres they had been passing around

the man says to the woman on the bench
oh he just needs a light
although he heard me wrong
it sounded for a second
we might get along
and she looks over and sees the lighter in my other hand
and tells the man
he has a light
and he looks at me
and i clarify
for my habit justice and peace

as all three take a moment looking at me
i notice the pause
and the man says no
and like someone pressed play
the woman took her hand out of her purse
and they all stayed quiet
looking at me

the end
and not the end

happy birthday

"sometimes we reduce communication from the people we love not because we hate them, but because we feel like we are nothing to them"

I wonder when they'll notice the read but silence. An what they will do then? Will ithey be asking if I'm ok or will it be just about demanding me to answer/react to their problems/messages...I kinda expect the latter by now. And it's so sad that I already expect the worst from my friends...

"Once the rain is over, an umbrella becomes a burden to carry. - That's why loyalty ends when benefits stop."

Yeah...
I'm experiencing that a lot. As soon as their problems are solved or they have dumped their emotional burden on me there is suddenly no time to listen to my troubles...as soon as I start sharing I'm dropped or quickly disregarded with one sentence...and people wonder why I never open up and talk about things easily...

And once they stop benefiting from me altogether the friendship dies out... I'm not just worth being kept around just for the sake of it.
It's not like I haven't been struggling with self loathing for months and my self view wasn't already ruined on many levels...

LET'S ALL JUST ADDRESS OUR TECHNICAL PROBLEMS AT 8 PM ON A FRIDAY NEXT TIME, SHALL WE?!
Gotta love this fucking mess.... My plan on going home at 1 PM has failed epicly.

#2025 #problems

Making a joke at another cultures expense is not racist. Habitually blaming said group for your fucked up problems, year end and year out spouting conspiracy theories demeaning and endangering said group, and becoming unhinged and eaten up with hatred towards said group is. So, sod the fuck off!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stjOxJuZfx4

So I'm gonna be doing +2 hours overtime today thanks to everyone from fucking Europe deciding to show up in Cork and having weird technical problems, for some weird fucking reason. Tis the season to be jolly, am I right?
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

1 last meeting for the day and I get to go home.
After I completed my huge meeting room project this really feels relaxing. I only get to maintain the systems and catch up with my manager regarding problems, if required.

Pffft. Need. A. Beer. Now.

I do all the work, I am present at the opening ceremony and everyone else takes the credit for what was done but I get none. And what do I get in return? Not a single mention, not one second of appreciation, not even a thank you. All that bragging about how much work you did when you didn't move a muscle sure must feel nice. And then you expect ME to hop in when problems arise? No, fuck this.
Thank you, corporate America for treating me with respect.

So I got full marks on my boolean circuit and logic table assignment and a B on the math problems. Way better than I thought I did. Definitely putting more work into this course moving forward, though.