Im thinking of quitting inktober (yet again) before i even really started on it. Idk just the thought of planning and actually making an ink drawing every day stresses me out. Although it was something that I easily did in the past. Even multiple ones a day... I think it's because of not having as much time to invest in art anymore I kinda lost my connection to it. I rarely get to sit down to actually paint. Every year I start the inktober challeng in hope to get my connection back but every time for the past 3 years I end up having to quit halfway through for multiple reasons like getting behind lacking time. This year I'm already stressed about having to catch up on the first few days that I missed. Maybe I just had a bad start...I wanted to warm up by finishing one of least years works that I never got to complete and I totally messed it up and on top it tore apart when I tried to remove the one year old masking tape... Seems like an omen... I will still dedicate this month to art and especially watercolor painting. But I think I will not do the inktober challenge for now. Maybe I will get to do the last half of it later but just now I need to get back into the peaceful/mindful mindset that I need for doing watercolor. Pushing myself with a challenge will not help here. I started watching YouTube draw with me videos of one of my favorite artists there. It helps getting back into watercolors and Inks.

#haunted #Haunting #paintings #paint #Crying_Boy #UK #metaphysical #paranormal #paranormalmystery https://drdavidclarke.co.uk/urban-legendary/the-curse-of-the-crying-boy/

Van Gogh imersive experience... 30 min of many of Van Gogh paintings projected inside an old water house .. very nice :)

Somehow it has become hard for me to enjoy my socia shutdown alone time. Sometimes I just need to recharge my social batteries and shut myself in for a weekend doing things I enjoy alone like painting and sewing. And sometimes I need several weekends on a row.. But lately I often feel guilty doing this. Today too...Especially if others have asked if I wanna do something or join a get together. Even if they are understanding bc they are also introverted and get it. I feel like they just said it to be nice but are actually upset and think that I am selfish... But a the same time I hate not having so much time for my hobbies anymore so I look forward to be able to spend an entire weekend on them. Is it selfish to prioritize this over social interactions? I have picked up all these hobbies in the past as way fix the loneliness I experienced for always being the odd one with very little friends. Now I love art more than people because it was always there for me when people weren't. I think thats why it makes me feel guilty now that there are people who want to spend time with me. Lately I have been struggleing with this thought a lot...but I really need to recharge in order to not completely explode or break down.

#painting Claus Bergen - "Rough sea under a cloudy sky"

⬅️ 🔥🎶❤️‍🔥 THIS IS MY ORIGINAL MUSIC & PAINTINGS !!! 🥰 more ➡️ @XZanthia.music Please check out more of my music & art @ XZanthia.com 🐙 #hellpop #creaturecosplay #monstercosplay #monstercore #creaturecore #dommymommy #creepygirl #creepycosplay #clowncore #emo #gothchick #pastelgoth #goth #darkpop #evilpop #gothic #gothgirl #alternative #dark #creepyart #gothicstyle #gothgoth #gothaesthetic #gothicgirl #metal #alternativegirl #steampunkgirl #art #helloween #Dominantwoman #XZanthiaMusic #jupitersthunder #stpetefl #gulfportfl #tampabay #yborcity #yborcastle

Wow I was oddly productive this evening. I finished up the last touches on that wig, tidied up my studio, and finished 2 small paintings that I had lying around unfinished for a year or so...All all of that despite barely being able to stay awake at work :D I guess it is time to pass out now...

Creating magic in the new studio ✨🎨 Exploring painting and glasswork—stay tuned for the creative process to unfold! XZanthia.com #creaturecosplay #monstercosplay #steampunk #monstercore #creaturecore #cosplay #pride #creepygirl #creepycosplay #cosplay #clowncore #creepyart #cosplayer #punk #freak #gothic #goth #bitchesinharmony #creepycosplay #jupitersthunder #emo #gothicgirl #xzanthia #weird #gothchick #gothchick #cosplay #cyberpunk #pastelgoth #music

#painting #belle_epoque “The Reader” by Frank Weston Benson (1906)

Ahhh. 😩 My depression & anxiety is back to a 10. Three days ago we where told we have to move because our landlord is selling our home. Again. We were not finically prepared and have only 1 option. Noah n I r moving into a trailer at my fathers, I can’t bring my animals because they will b confined n neglected. My dog I’ve had 8years barks if left alone, n we both work full time. Etc. PJ is looking for a place to live, my nephew has to move back to Arizona, he’s been with me since my brother passed away n our friend/roommate was crying in our driveway when we pulled in last night from taking a load of my stuff to storage. This has made me physically ill. I’m soooooooo unhappy with moving into this situation however no one has the $ to pay first,last night security deposit @ a new place this fast other then our roommate n I, n I go out of the country for a month sept 3. I’m very worried about the stress this is gonna put in my relationship with pj & I’m still trying to finish my paintings for my solo show in a week in Orlando. I’m gonna make the best out of it, but it’s very hard to see anything positive about it. Living on my father’s property is immensely repressive and his personally is unusually difficult. he kicked us out 3 months ago because of small annoyances. He gave us 2 days to move. I swore I would never return & I stopped shooting daily life videos then because I’ve been so depressed. I just got on medication for my depression a week ago. Ahhh, the eggshells to walk on with my father or it will happen again. I have had no stability since 2018. Moving constantly, Landloards selling my home repeatedly without enough time to properly prepare for next chapter. I’m soooo glad I was never able to have kids, just seeing the stress this has put on my relationships & animals is horrible. I can’t imagine dragging a child through the shit that has been my life. I don’t share this to often, it’s to private and ugly, but this has been the second worse chapter of my life. With all the death, displacement & deletion of the platforms I have worked so hard on, it’s been very hard to want to move forward. My x that left me in 2018, when this all started. Loosing my st pete home I was in 8 years n my resort, often joked that “my life was in shambles”. Loosing him was devastating during that change. I’m grateful for PJ & Noah for sticking around. PJ 15 years, Noah 3 years. I’ve moved 7 times since I’ve been with Noah the last 3 years. This will be the 8th. PJ was crying in his sleep last night. His girlfriend of 4 years just ended it with him a month ago & he’s been taking it very hard. (Pj, Noah & I are polyamorous) I’m lucky in that field. There is sooooooo much more but that’s is only the stuff that I can say publicly. I have cryed soooo much in the last couple days my mussels hurt & im dehydrated. I wish I had 3 months to prepare. It’s 3-4am n I can’t sleep and I have work at 5am. I just want my life to stop sucking. I’m sick of pretending everything is ok. I just want to be ok. Even if only for 6 months without loosing someone or something huge. At least I no longer have to sleep in the bed, in the bedroom of my x Drew who died a year ago while he had been living with us off n on for 10 years. I still dream of him, not living in our space will help me move on from that trama. There is a silver ligning. 😩 Instagram.com/XZanthia_OctoShroom