I'm on the verge of crying. I'm literally panicking. Another health issue came up that needs immediate medical procedure. This that gives me the worst anxiety on multiple levels...if I'm unlucky it will not only make me really ugly and I struggle with dismorphia, but also also what I fear most, it will delay my treatment yet again... possibly for several weeks. I finally got a fixed appointment for getting the blood drawn for testing first thing but now I fear the new issue can't wait and needs to be fixed immediately there is akute pain....they probably can't test my blood if there is residual narcotics and painkillers on my system.... Like my anxiety was not already bad since yesterday for other reasons. Now this...I'm really panicking right now. Why is it all breaking at once?? Ok I need to breathe and wait se how bad the pain gets today prepare for being incapacitated by meds while I still can and if I get worse I go to the doctor tomorrow first thing. Good thing I live right next door. Maybe it just got painful because I was feeling the swelling I know I shouldn't drag it out and fix acute things immediately. But the following issues of delayed treatment will be detrimental too possibly reshaping my future entirely.

Happiness and good Fortune are like a golden sand flowing into an hourglass of life sometimes there are black grains representing the bad things that sometimes happen but for most they are tuning to gold once they reach the majority of gold. But for some people the sand has more black grains than most, and some of those tend to give their few golden grains to others to help them turn their black to gold, which often leave the givers with overpowering obsidian sand that often turns new gold to black. And if they ask others for just a speckle of gold in return to help Turing the black to gold, they often have to beg for it or end up turning the others sand black just by opening their their hourglass. I am certainly one of the latter people. My body and mind is filled with poisonous black sand and my tongue turns it into venom injecting it to others whenever reach for support or comfort. I have realized a very concerning pattern that gives me the worst anxiety right now. I'm poisoning the last golden grain of sand whenever I open my heart and don't swallow my feelings for once. I should finally stop trying and go back to being the quiet listener that gives her golden grains to others and fights against the black by herself. That will spare me from a lot of feelings of disappointment, and anxiety and guilt about upsetting others by voicing when I'm being upset or disappointed. I'll just suck it up and be too forgiving for my own good the sake of harmony. How sad is that? I have become scared of being upset because it upsets others and I feel guilty then. Can one be more of a peoplepleaser just to not end up all alone? Today was a terrible day on so many levels, not only was I still feeling upset, I was also anxious to the point of barely being able to breathe because I had I realized this destructive and poisonous pattern that always, really ALWAYS has been following when I open up and threatens the last good thing I have that is supposed to be an anchor right now. And on top of all, some actually supposedly good news came in from a friend but I can't be happy for them instead it really pulls me down because the topic reminds me of my health issues that are kinda related... And as I currently have no one to talk to because my tongue is venomous and I just ruin everone elses minds, I have to rant it out to strangers in the internet. Maybe the more creative writing approach I took in the beginning is at least somewhat enjoyable to read. It was kind inspired by this song... https://youtu.be/FK3TDHnD1_0?list=RDFK3TDHnD1_0

Here comes paranoia knocking on my door, Here comes fear, entering in to explore. Here comes decay, following slow and grim, Next is death, walking hand in hand with him. An angel approaches, a light so bright, "Walk to the light," is it another life, or eternal night? Decaying like a mushroom, as time takes its toll, Bodies lifted to heaven, ascending to a higher role.

This following article isn't in the least bit Goth related but I found it amusing and feel like I can share it amongst the Goth community, not with the Bogans at home..... 😆

Sometimes the health system sucks....Starting to feel long time consequences of some health issues that I have been dealing with for a while I went to some specialist and Guess what to treat one thing I need another condition fully diagnosed but that doctor is on vacation for two weeks and once that one is returned, doctor one will be on vacation and so in total I have to wait at least 4 more weeks to be able to start treatment if it is even possible to give me that treatment. Not like I have been having that issue for 6 months now and it's starting to cause follow up issues.... Still not sure if the ED is the cause of it all or if my body just hates me and found another way to show me... But hey, what else is new?

"Blond Noir Of Nightstreet." Anytime is an awesome time for goth. I went out on a November night back in 2023 to at last follow up on the Blond Noir using this cool shopping background I used in a nearby town close to Laurie. I took advantage of the LED street lights for the backdrop while it was at the late-night hours, with no people or car traffic to be any problem. The weather for that month was just right for this crossplay, and all I had to do was just look natural in my black and blonde's best and let the timer on the Olympus do the rest. That, and I edited it on Photo Scape for the classic Black and White style that makes goths look even better. As for a pre-Halloween goth? I say goth looks good just about anytime. #blackamdwhitephotography #goth #gothic #gothgirl #leotard #fishnets #prehalloween #cosplay #crossplay #nightphoto

Unfortunatelly my Toby has a agressive tumor on his leg... monday will to more exames to see if the tumor has already spread through his body... no easy decions... to operate his leg he has to do chemotherapy and hope that the cancer reduces... but only if the results of analisys show tha the cancer will be affected by chemo.. if not... we have 2 choices... amputate the leg... or leavit... and start threating him with medicine to ease the pain that he migth have... and give him tehe best life quality possible.. my heart his twice broken... broken because i will miss him ... and broken because he came to us some months affer my dad passed away with cancer... and he became my mothers companion...and it will devastating for her... not the passing... but the absence of his presence... because for 8 years he followed her everywhere.. and everywhere she looks... she will be reminded off him.. i will too.. sorry for venting... but it's been couple rough days.... 😢

Thinking about changing my moniker from Noodles123 to one of the following: Please help me choose.

The idiot Psychiatry in Sweden (RättsmedicinalVerket) do you really think i cannot steer my mindd. Butt ohhh they give you worthless neuroleptica Abilify & crap that makes you Worse you all deserves to Be LIQUIDATED like in Ukraine. Do you really think you can force me to follow your LAWS im gonna take eveyry Chemical i FEEL LIKE THIS IS A PROMISE & THREAT. & especiallly the Juridical system im gonna erase your Offices & it will be WORSE for you the the Apartment bombs MUch worse .. THIS will be Swift & effective. IM Gonna do the Righteous thing for All the People you have deceived & forced with your idiot Medezines . BE READY FOR BATTLE .

It seems a shadow of misfortune follows me. I've come to expect it: a fleeting moment of light is always chased away by a familiar storm, pulling me back under with brutal force. What truly unnerves me is the silence within. The emotional echo of these disasters has faded to nothing. I am a dry well—events that should summon a flood of tears now barely register. Is this resilience, or is it erosion? My psyche, to save itself, seems to have severed the wires, leaving me feeling like an spectator in my own tragicomedy, muttering, 'This can't be real.' I observe my life as through a thick, silent pane of glass. The impact is muted, the meaning distant. I am a curious stranger to my own apathy, asking, 'What happens when you simply have nothing left to feel?' Is this emptiness making me stronger, or is it the void before the collapse? I built these walls stone by stone for protection, but now they encircle me. They keep the world's anguish out. The question is no longer about weathering the storm, but whether I am fortified within a sanctuary, or entombed within a cell of my own making.