Lately I've been catching myself thinking about DJing again. I don't know why I took such a long break until now, probably because my primary platform (online veneue) died... Unfortunately

It's a shame really, because I've always received good feedback on my sets up to now.
In addition, I officially have a work-technical free ride, so I have a legal release even to intensify that and to operate as a basically second job ...

I think I'll get myself a new DJ controller (found a nice one which caught my eyes) and start DJing again :)

Took a cold shower right after work so the orthorexic demon in my head wouldn't even think of convincing me to work out bc "im sweaty anyways." Sometimes healthy means not to excercise and I need to learn that and not to not push myself to the limit. Especially not after sitting in a 32°C office all day and already being overheated... My skin felt like having a fever when I left work. Now to distract myself from guilt tripping 🪉

No thanks. I'll just trip over it when I'm drunk and impale myself on one of its spider legs.

(not sure if anyone reads this, but I think I just need a platform to shout out... not suited for everyone I guess btw..)
Living with Bipolar Disorder is just the worst... not sure if anyone else is dealing with this shit but the worst are those crashing episodes that you cannot foresee yourself.
Especially those Episodes where you just running internally mentally wild and the only thing you feel is just that anyone just want to betray and hurt you... even your closest ones.
In addition, when I'm in a breakdown, the ‘spectrum’ in me swings so hard that I literally become completely blind to communicative schemes and can no longer understand or interpret anything like indirect speech in any way (probably always the main reason why I try to withdraw from anyone).
In these phases, indirect language is as incomprehensible to me as a foreign language that I can't understand in any way. Unfortunately, very few people understand this because they are used to other ways of communicating with me.
I'm really not sure what triggered the current episode: the constant stress at work, the stress of being available for everyone and everything every second for the last few months, or my own realization and disappointment that I think I've made so many bad decisions in the past because of my good faith, which have destroyed paths I would have liked to take(career and study-wise).
However, I currently hate myself more than usual; not only for what I haven't achieved at the moment, but especially for the way I behave towards others uncontrollably during this phase.
I am unconsciously insulting and offending those who actually want the best for me.
I hide and deny the real causes until it is too late... (I'm such a coward)
I wish I would be fixable but I'm not I guess...

The worst thing is probably this post-episode in which you realize that not only the world itself is the problem, but that your own grievance towards others is also the problem in this world.
(No wonder why the S-rate is so high in this disorder circle, since most people can't find any other solution).

Maybe I just want someone to tell me directly and unhinged that they actual love me for what I am and that what I'm trying to achieve is enough

Well my hair touched my arm and I saw a freckle,assmed it was a spider and scared myself lol..

Actually, I should be happy about the day off today (regional holiday), but you know when half the day ends in a task paralysis due to the sudden break in the routine and you just can't leave the bed not matter what?

Yet, this task paralysis probably has other causes and I am once again denying all the warning signals that are trying to tell me that there is less wick left in my inner candle than I want to admit.
Maybe it's just a great deal of self-doubt that's building up in me and is driven by the fact that I no longer “able” (or have the ambition) to do things that I have planned and am looking forward to. The task paralysis is of course more than counterproductive at a time like this and is more like a vicious circle.

Perhaps the residual warmth I feel inside me is the remaining embers of a flame that is currently dying out

#fantasy #high_fantasy #elf
Exhausted elf after sex...

This world takes itself way to seriously. We should be more like Morris Day. Cocky, carefree, and ready to party. Also, if I could find that Blazer he's wearing at a thrift store, my life would be complete!