Putting in genuine effort feels like wasted effort sometimes. It's like people have this standard of movie-like perfection that just doesn't exist naturally, or without proper communication. I feel humiliated and depressed, and on top of that I feel like the bad guy for having those emotions. I feel like I've put genuine thought and effort into making this person feel important. I've stuck by and listened; really, genuinely listened. All of that just to be left waiting, without any kind of heads up, flowers and gifts in hand, all dressed up and wanting to make it a special day. Only to be stood up and told that no man has ever or will ever put any kind of real effort. Was it not enough effort? Or am I just not a man? I let myself be vulnerable enough to want to build a relationship again. Even if it wasn't meant as a direct attack, I still feel disrespected. I had no foul intentions. And my feeling were true. I'm still processing how to feel and respond. Idk, I'm just ranting and venting here so I can get it out of my system. I didn't think I'd feel this hurt. But oh well, love finds a way. With someone, at some point in my life. Maybe someone else. I'm going to keep putting in that effort, but for someone who appreciates the little gestures as much as the grand gestures. I have my friends, I have my dog, and I have myself. The rest will work itself out when it's time I guess.

Somehow I've realized that every time I'm stressed/depressed (sometimes unconsciously), I like to cook/bake to relieve the stress. Really strange habit of myself. I'm not sure if more severe creeping depression means equaling better baking results, if so, it's probably going to go bad soon :D

I'm alive, just depressed, let's goooooooo :D :D :D

Have a wonderful fucking morning. I'm here and depressed, don't mind me.

I’m still near Naples, Italy. Flying home on the 7th. Actually been very depressed This past week. So barely left our hotel or edited videos . Going to go check out Pompeii and Herculaneum though today. Will be good to get out. 🥺 How are you? I made this yesterday though - https://youtu.be/LfV60uxs4mI?si=e4ekRrT3HFgZRJr0

Took a nap and woke up feeling depressed. Thanks brain. 🤬

Ahhh. 😩 My depression & anxiety is back to a 10. Three days ago we where told we have to move because our landlord is selling our home. Again. We were not finically prepared and have only 1 option. Noah n I r moving into a trailer at my fathers, I can’t bring my animals because they will b confined n neglected. My dog I’ve had 8years barks if left alone, n we both work full time. Etc. PJ is looking for a place to live, my nephew has to move back to Arizona, he’s been with me since my brother passed away n our friend/roommate was crying in our driveway when we pulled in last night from taking a load of my stuff to storage. This has made me physically ill. I’m soooooooo unhappy with moving into this situation however no one has the $ to pay first,last night security deposit @ a new place this fast other then our roommate n I, n I go out of the country for a month sept 3. I’m very worried about the stress this is gonna put in my relationship with pj & I’m still trying to finish my paintings for my solo show in a week in Orlando. I’m gonna make the best out of it, but it’s very hard to see anything positive about it. Living on my father’s property is immensely repressive and his personally is unusually difficult. he kicked us out 3 months ago because of small annoyances. He gave us 2 days to move. I swore I would never return & I stopped shooting daily life videos then because I’ve been so depressed. I just got on medication for my depression a week ago. Ahhh, the eggshells to walk on with my father or it will happen again. I have had no stability since 2018. Moving constantly, Landloards selling my home repeatedly without enough time to properly prepare for next chapter. I’m soooo glad I was never able to have kids, just seeing the stress this has put on my relationships & animals is horrible. I can’t imagine dragging a child through the shit that has been my life. I don’t share this to often, it’s to private and ugly, but this has been the second worse chapter of my life. With all the death, displacement & deletion of the platforms I have worked so hard on, it’s been very hard to want to move forward. My x that left me in 2018, when this all started. Loosing my st pete home I was in 8 years n my resort, often joked that “my life was in shambles”. Loosing him was devastating during that change. I’m grateful for PJ & Noah for sticking around. PJ 15 years, Noah 3 years. I’ve moved 7 times since I’ve been with Noah the last 3 years. This will be the 8th. PJ was crying in his sleep last night. His girlfriend of 4 years just ended it with him a month ago & he’s been taking it very hard. (Pj, Noah & I are polyamorous) I’m lucky in that field. There is sooooooo much more but that’s is only the stuff that I can say publicly. I have cryed soooo much in the last couple days my mussels hurt & im dehydrated. I wish I had 3 months to prepare. It’s 3-4am n I can’t sleep and I have work at 5am. I just want my life to stop sucking. I’m sick of pretending everything is ok. I just want to be ok. Even if only for 6 months without loosing someone or something huge. At least I no longer have to sleep in the bed, in the bedroom of my x Drew who died a year ago while he had been living with us off n on for 10 years. I still dream of him, not living in our space will help me move on from that trama. There is a silver ligning. 😩 Instagram.com/XZanthia_OctoShroom

I got my hair cut by a professional and I regret it. It's absolutely not what I wanted. It's too short in the back and too long on the sides. It looks like 1920s flapper girl bair, not the rounded curly cut I wanted. Ffs. I've never been depressed over my hair before.

I am bummed, depressed, haven't been feeling well for quite some time, and I am blank as a fart when it has been dealing with my creative endeavors. I have been under lots of stress, putting up with all the bulls**t from others and living in this sewer trap of a rural town, as I despise the surrounding counties and want out of this state and area so badly. I fear my life is over. I'm 47 and will be 50 in three years as I wept a few times over that. I have a degree that I feel I cannot make use of, I want this other degree, and I feel I do not get the kind of support I need financially, and I feel I have been kind of neglected emotionally and mentally lately. It is hard for me to talk about things as it is, and it seems when I attempt to vent or express my troublesome feelings and such...no one is to reply back or I do not get any replies. But it seems there are some people who want me to stop and drop everything for them when they need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, but when I have these same needs and such I get blown off like a fart in the wind, no one replies back, and I'm left feeling stupid, hurt, and having this belief that noone really cares how I feel, what I want, or that lending me their ear or shoulder Is a burden to them when I need someone. It's a very lonely world. And I feel like I have no answers or know what the next step is. Sorry, I just had to get this off my chest. This is the only site I feel free to do so.

Alucard (my remaining male rat) is being such a Mommy's boy! He HAS to either lay on my hand or at least be touching my hand, and he keeps giving me kisses. If I get up to do anything he either tries to follow me or looks for me. We thought he would get depressed after losing his brothers, but instead he's just eating up all the attention we can give him. He a happy boy. ^_^