I'm sinking more and more into one of my sleep escapism-depressions again. Everything is so discouraging and seems so hopeless....

I can barely get myself to leave the bed lately. I lack any motivation and elan to do anything.
Perpetually trapped in task paralysis.

On workdays I push myself to still give 110% despite constantly asking "what am I doing it for its not like it's fruitful for me". Work drains me so much I can't find the energy to look for new jobs after hours.
And on Weekends I am still drained and barely drag myself out of bed after sleeping for 12hr, then I end up on the couch staring into my phone screen doomscrolling, because I can't get myself to sit on my PC and look for job offers because I know there are barely any that are suitable for me. But pursuing my hobbies makes me feel guilty because "I should spend this time on looking for jobs".
So I just sit there on the couch trapped by invisible chains of guilt and discourage while I'm hoping for the unlikely miracle that a Recruiter will find my job profile and it's the perfect match for both sides. And that the world politics wills suddenly be bearable again. But with the current leaders pfft finding the Amber-room again is more likely than having a secure and happy future.
Thats why I keep asking myself: What future am even doing it for?

After eating like a degenerate yesterday I had to turn things up to 11 today on the stationary bike. 30 miles in under 90 minutes.

SHEEEEEESH!

Hollywood and politicians right now since the epstein files are coming out.

ADHD Time Blindness hit so hard, it's now 3:30 am and I have to be at work ealry tomorrow. I havent even showered yet & I don't really wanna go to bet because I don't want Monday to come. :(

Oh well at least I found a few job offers barely worth applying to and got a hint of motivation to get that cover letter for some applications drafted. Now I just need to prepare a translation and do some phrase polishing and individual adaptions to the specific offers. Wasted my entire sunday on this so at least I feel less like a faliure now. Small victories...

As you know, most of you goths give me the heebie jeebies. Keeping it real here, I'm willing to meet you halfway.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-ahNXvCvyA