Lately, I've been noticing again how I'm becoming emotionally hardened and how everything feels surreal and intangible. However, it's currently at a level of severity that I last felt 7-8 years ago, when I was emotionally dead and constantly wearing a mask that was stuck on.

I wake up at night with my head in chaos and wonder if I can even comprehend or understand the right answers at the moment.

Sometimes I just lie there and stare into the darkness, as if it owes me some kind of answer. But it remains silent. Just like everything else. It feels more like I'm just running through memories of myself.

It's strange... I'm still functioning. I get up, talk to people, do things, smile at the right moments. From the outside, it probably looks normal. Maybe even stable. But inside, it feels like I'm playing a role whose lines I learned by heart long ago, without even knowing why I'm on this stage in the first place.

Damn, lol
The temporarily acting supreme leader of Iran, Ayatollah Arafeh, was killed after new strikes on Tehran, according to Israeli media.
He was appointed this morning to replace Khamenei, who was also killed yesterday in strikes by the US and Israel.

Keira Knightley Atonement. I have this book, but never read it. It's been sitting on my shelf for more than 5 years.

Men are weird.

Here's my compilation: "What is Goth (Video Album)"

I recommend to watch it when you have the time to let it carry you and reveal what it has to give, like playing an unknown album from a library. https://youtu.be/A5LBLhRAew8?si=kSpsfreCwOrnY-sv

You know that feeling of being scared to be happy even for a brief moment? Because that sensation when your happy little world crashes down and wrenches your entire gut and closes your thoat is the worst. And the bad always seems to come smashing down when you've just started floating again. So you avoid the crash by any cost. just not allowing youself to float up with happiness again. If everything remains in shambles maybe the bad won't come because ther is nothing left to shatter...
But sometimes you are dumb and faint glitter of hope makes you think maybe I'll try floating again maybe this time it won't crash. But it will.
Just one call and a nice and relaxed weekend that finally cheered me up a bit, became the start of probably the most difficult time I'll have to face...
I'm trueley terrified of whats ahead...

Hella hype for this weekend. After work our entire IT department is going camping. Looking forward to relaxing in the woods with the IT homies. Sheeeeeesh!

and if you want to, i can rape you

shes spreads her legs wide open

everybodys burpin up my semen

Sometimes i do lyric parodies.

Another day wasted by sleeping too long and then forcing myself to do chores like groceries...
I sat down to look at job offerings to at least do something useful instead of staring at my phone. Just to find that the only job offer that I had my hopes on is expired. They probably filled the position and didn't even read my application anymore. All other things I find are not in my expertise and also not in my local vicinity....
This disappointment was the last thing I needed right now. I was already in the ditch feeling burned out, abandoned and left alone with my problems. People are just too busy to care. Now I can put hopelessness right next to it on my depression Bingo card...
What an awesome start this year. And with the current political situation it will only get worse. Shit time to be alive our future is as rosy as a dumpster. I'm loosing any desire to see it.