Do you ever just do hyperfocus induced time jumps?
When did it get to 3:30 am?!?
Last thought at 11 pm was: "I'm just gonna do the sketch for this painting on the canvas"
Aaaaand 4h later 50% of the painting is basically done...and I didn't even feel like painting. I intended to work on a cosplay project after getting that sketch done...

First Country Song:called Red R
by:Aniytt Ahua


Verse 1:

The color white is colorless, it is colorless from rejection, left to be told that is has no color.

The color white.

White is a color.

We are going to die tonight,

White is white.

Rejected from the light of colors the color white is a rejection of love.

White you have been rejected.

The color of white you have been a rejected color of carelessness like the animal of polar bear.

Just like the polar bear you are white.

Polar bear you are white.

White of bears.

White if you are recognized as not a color you fall close to being recognized as a bear of polar activities.

The color of bear the act of polar.

It as a bear show a color of white.

White it shows.

White it hisses like a demon.

Polar bears are white.

White is a bear color, white is a bear thing, and white is a polar thing.

The color of polar bears is white.

Now smear the bear into the pavement by a semi-truck.

Kill the bear with pride.

Kill it with a painful force.

It is now flat.

It is now flat.

Flat it is.

Flat.

draw drawma drawman omen women drawomen draman
numbers bypain
pain by painted
gravitationally
with no purpose

#art #painting #goth #gothgirl #gothstyle #gothicwoman #gothicstyle #gothicbabe

I'm on the verge of crying. I'm literally panicking. Another health issue came up that needs immediate medical procedure. This that gives me the worst anxiety on multiple levels...if I'm unlucky it will not only make me really ugly and I struggle with dismorphia, but also also what I fear most, it will delay my treatment yet again... possibly for several weeks. I finally got a fixed appointment for getting the blood drawn for testing first thing but now I fear the new issue can't wait and needs to be fixed immediately there is akute pain....they probably can't test my blood if there is residual narcotics and painkillers on my system....
Like my anxiety was not already bad since yesterday for other reasons. Now this...I'm really panicking right now. Why is it all breaking at once??

Ok I need to breathe and wait se how bad the pain gets today prepare for being incapacitated by meds while I still can and if I get worse I go to the doctor tomorrow first thing. Good thing I live right next door. Maybe it just got painful because I was feeling the swelling I know I shouldn't drag it out and fix acute things immediately. But the following issues of delayed treatment will be detrimental too possibly reshaping my future entirely.

Lately, When I express my genuine thoughts and concerns, it feels like a form of punishment.

This happens both at work, in meetings where input is supposedly valued, and in my personal life. My attempts to voice a concern or a different perspective are often dismissed as pessimism, exaggeration, or even egomania. It seems I am being penalized simply for having an opinion and for caring enough to be concerned.

Increasingly, I feel that I am being passively silenced—not with a direct command, but with subtle cues and reactions that make thinking feel like a forbidden act. I am being reduced to a sounding board, a wall for others to shout at, with no expectation of a reciprocal conversation. My role is not to contribute, but to absorb.

And then, people wonder. They wonder why I am burning out, why my energy and creativity have evaporated, why my motivation has dwindled to nothing. They don't see the cumulative weight of being silenced.
I notice that the situation is gradually affecting my body. I currently only sleep with a tight chest and painful breathing, and I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing.

Urrrghhh im sooo stuuuupiiiiddd!!! And so angry at myself!!!!
I successfully delayed my chances to FINALLY get a blood coagulation test and thus the chance be able to start the treatment that I desperately need for months (but can't get until we know my blood coagulating factor) for another week because I took the wrong painkillers yesterday I usually take paracetamol but I couldn't find it so I took a mixed preparate that contains para and aspirin. Aspirin has a blood thinning effect that lasts for 4-8 days. I just realized this as I was about to call my doctor to see if we can finally get my blood tested. Now I have to wait another week until we can draw blood for the testing. Which will then take another week to receive the results (at least, prolly more) and that delays my therapy even more. My body is already suffering notably from the severe deficiency that needs treatment. I am so angry at myself why did I not think? I work in pharma industry I KNEW of this effect...

#painting #paintingoftheday #Jesus #Christ #Thomas_Kinkade

Im thinking of quitting inktober (yet again) before i even really started on it. Idk just the thought of planning and actually making an ink drawing every day stresses me out. Although it was something that I easily did in the past. Even multiple ones a day... I think it's because of not having as much time to invest in art anymore I kinda lost my connection to it. I rarely get to sit down to actually paint. Every year I start the inktober challeng in hope to get my connection back but every time for the past 3 years I end up having to quit halfway through for multiple reasons like getting behind lacking time. This year I'm already stressed about having to catch up on the first few days that I missed.
Maybe I just had a bad start...I wanted to warm up by finishing one of least years works that I never got to complete and I totally messed it up and on top it tore apart when I tried to remove the one year old masking tape... Seems like an omen...
I will still dedicate this month to art and especially watercolor painting. But I think I will not do the inktober challenge for now. Maybe I will get to do the last half of it later but just now I need to get back into the peaceful/mindful mindset that I need for doing watercolor. Pushing myself with a challenge will not help here.
I started watching YouTube draw with me videos of one of my favorite artists there. It helps getting back into watercolors and Inks.

Painted some baby pumpkins with my daughters.