I am at peak depression again, I think.
All those calls for open positions exhaust me already.
I apologize for not being online too much... :/

Muahaha Energydrinks will be cheaper than Coffe. I was always right in other words

"I have no power. I'm a fucking comedian, and he's the most powerful leader in the world! I'm not the leader of anything, except maybe a contingent of centrist-minded people who think there's got to be a better way of running this country than hating each other every minute." -Bill Maher on his meeting with Donald Trump

Can't sleep because I overthink, overthinking because I can't sleep.

I've done some reflecting today. I think I have unconciously been spiraling down the depression spiral since November with some high phases re-locating the issue in a very self destructive behavioral patterns. that has led to a distorted vision of myself and my personality. Now have a major setback in my self view and I hate many things about myself that I worked so hard on learning to love. Now I need to re-learn to love these things about myself.
How did it even come so far without ne noticing...

I don't think they should call this song this title . . . https://youtu.be/23qZPXqqo68

im gonna need a sponsorship from Monster E drinks & Winston hard Ciggarettes.

Somehow it has become hard for me to enjoy my socia shutdown alone time. Sometimes I just need to recharge my social batteries and shut myself in for a weekend doing things I enjoy alone like painting and sewing. And sometimes I need several weekends on a row.. But lately I often feel guilty doing this. Today too...Especially if others have asked if I wanna do something or join a get together. Even if they are understanding bc they are also introverted and get it. I feel like they just said it to be nice but are actually upset and think that I am selfish...
But a the same time I hate not having so much time for my hobbies anymore so I look forward to be able to spend an entire weekend on them. Is it selfish to prioritize this over social interactions? I have picked up all these hobbies in the past as way fix the loneliness I experienced for always being the odd one with very little friends. Now I love art more than people because it was always there for me when people weren't. I think thats why it makes me feel guilty now that there are people who want to spend time with me.
Lately I have been struggleing with this thought a lot...but I really need to recharge in order to not completely explode or break down.

I don't know why I think of it differently from when I wrote it . . . I wonder if I need to change the last word to warplanes . . . https://medium.com/@Zi_Will/to-for-ours-88f6cabe4239

I. Have. Been. Emailed. By. A. Cruiseship. Company. From. Hong. Kong. Regarding. Job. Opportunities.
Did not think twice and sent them my CV.