Im shitting my Bed.

I knew it.




I'm just not worth to be described. Because the only way im seen is when I function. When im useful.
How will anynoe describe me as anything elst than "the one that waters their plants on vacation" ot "that drives them around". Im not "the one with the soft bouncy curls" or "the one that always has paint on her Fingers" bc these little details that make me a person are never seen. They are not useful...

In slowly but surely falling into an even darker place...

Sometimes wonder how people see me and what words they would use to describe me. And If it would sound as poetic as when people are described in books and songs. Because my own eyes and word's aren't very nice or poetic anymore.

Living right next to a church has advantages and disadvantages.
On the one hand, you have a fantastic view of old European architecture from the kitchen, and I especially love looking at the stained glass windows reflecting in the sun in the morning.

But sleeping in on Sundays and public holidays (especially on the very Christian holidays) is a complete no-go. Especially when the damned bell is on the bedroom side and rings through the roof just in time for mass in the morning...

Of course, it was only a matter of time before spiders started appearing in my apartment as the temperatures got warmer...
With my arachnophobia, it really sucks, especially as it's currently exactly the type of spider I react most severely to... And instead of me managing to catch them with the greatest of gritted teeth, they jump away and hide in my clothes in the closet in my bedroom...
Now I'm sitting barricaded on my sofa, "can't" go to sleep and facing the hardest phobia program (heavy breathing to itching all over my body).
It's going to be a really great night and I know that the weekend is completely ruined because of it...
Why do I have to have this severe extreme phobia? Can't it somehow be gentler and "better distributed"?

I think this is week 2 of Listening to this band nonstop pretending that it will fix my overstimmulation and the high functioning burnout I'm currently facing....At least I have something that I can cling onto for comfort am I right?
I pity my neighbours who have to listen to this blasting from my speakers, as soon as I come home to 2am when I go to bed...and sometimes even in the morning when I get ready Hope it fixes their depression too otherwise thats awkward...

I think the craziest thing about this whole thing in Syria, is that Syria is now in the hands of Al Qaeda. The current Syrian President, Ahmed al-Sharaa, is currently a member of Al Qaeda, tho now he denies this and up until 2021, was constantly issuing threats to the United States. Al-Sharaa was detained and arrested by American troops during the IRAQ war/insurgency for killing American troops, as a member of Al Qaeda.

"Al-Sharaa traveled from Damascus to Baghdad by bus just weeks before the 2003 U.S. invasion of Iraq, where he quickly rose through the ranks of al-Qaeda in Iraq (AQI). The Times of Israel newspaper claimed in 2013 that al-Sharaa was a close associate of AQI leader, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, which has been proven accurate by captured Al Qaeda fighters."

"Upon his release from prison coinciding with the Syrian Revolution, Ahmed al-Sharaa was tasked in August 2011 by Ayman al-Zawahiri (Al Qaeda Leader) and al-Qaeda's central command to establish al-Qaeda's mission in Syria."

"Al Sharaa worked with ISIS Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to expand al-Qaeda's Syrian branch, Jabhat al-Nusra. The group maintained this alliance with ISI the until 2013, when he and Jabhat al-Nusra swore loyalty directly to Al Qaeda only."

"The U.S. State Department listed al-Sharaa as a "Specially Designated Global Terrorist" in May 2013, which has lasted throughout the Syrin Civil War and it is unclear if he is still listed as an Al Qaeda global Terrorist."

Threats issued by the Al Qaeda Nusra leader, Al Sharaa during the US Bombing attacks from 2016-2024 includes:

"This is what will take the battle to the heart of your land, for the Muslims will not stand as spectators watching their sons bombed and killed in their lands, while you stay safe in your lands." In his audio message, released five days after the U.S. strikes, al-Sharaa said: "Do not let the West and America take advantage of the injustice of the Islamic State upon you … Those who are unable to repulse the Islamic State or others, then let them do so without being a partner with the crusader alliance." -Al-Sharaa, Syrian President, Al Qaeda Nusra Leader.

"al-Sharaa Also threatened that Al Qaeda and Al Nusra would fight the "United States and its allies" and urged his fighters not to accept help from the West in their battle against the Islamic State and Syrian Government (Assad Government). -AL sHARAA, Syrian President, Al Qaeda leader.

And not to mention, Al Sharaa isn't even Syrian, he's from Saudi Arabia, its strange that an Al Qaeda outsider from Saudi Arabia is President of Syria.

You guessed it. It was Oswald with a 6.5 mm Carcano rifle from a range any Marine marksman could hit, even a moving target traveling at slow speed. No second gunman needed; no elaborate plot other than a disturbed commie with delusions of grandeur trying to secure his name in the history books.

https://apnews.com/article/kennedy-assassination-documents-release-trump-c56ed5075b38af809f36a6388797d4ca

I am so drained by all of this...I feel like I'm the glue holding this situation together. I kept suprisingly calm when others couldn't and had my anxiety under control, sacrificed my comfort zone for others and swallowed my dicsontent and annoyedness for the sake of peace in this severe situation bc in this situation a familly fight would be the worst and I am also very harmony desireing & driven. I only have the strenght to do this because I care about my family so much.

But now things are kinda decided over my head, and I will only get my space back for a mere few days before I'm indruded upon again. I would not say no but at least, it would be nice and considerate to include me into the decision over my own space and listen to my opinion on what would be the best and most helpful in this situation.

I just wanna hit pause and have a bit of a breather... I am so overwhlemed by the general situation And can't do most of the things that are emotional ventiles for me, because of permantely having to function. I even got sick myself and still functioned for others. I am the one who doesn't have the luxury of getting to be overwhelmed right now...I have to function permanently until I go to bed at night becaue I am the tape that holds things right now.

#bed #videogames #sheets #invaders