Happiness and good Fortune are like a golden sand flowing into an hourglass of life sometimes there are black grains representing the bad things that sometimes happen but for most they are tuning to gold once they reach the majority of gold. But for some people the sand has more black grains than most, and some of those tend to give their few golden grains to others to help them turn their black to gold, which often leave the givers with overpowering obsidian sand that often turns new gold to black. And if they ask others for just a speckle of gold in return to help Turing the black to gold, they often have to beg for it or end up turning the others sand black just by opening their their hourglass. I am certainly one of the latter people. My body and mind is filled with poisonous black sand and my tongue turns it into venom injecting it to others whenever reach for support or comfort. I have realized a very concerning pattern that gives me the worst anxiety right now. I'm poisoning the last golden grain of sand whenever I open my heart and don't swallow my feelings for once. I should finally stop trying and go back to being the quiet listener that gives her golden grains to others and fights against the black by herself. That will spare me from a lot of feelings of disappointment, and anxiety and guilt about upsetting others by voicing when I'm being upset or disappointed. I'll just suck it up and be too forgiving for my own good the sake of harmony. How sad is that? I have become scared of being upset because it upsets others and I feel guilty then. Can one be more of a peoplepleaser just to not end up all alone? Today was a terrible day on so many levels, not only was I still feeling upset, I was also anxious to the point of barely being able to breathe because I had I realized this destructive and poisonous pattern that always, really ALWAYS has been following when I open up and threatens the last good thing I have that is supposed to be an anchor right now. And on top of all, some actually supposedly good news came in from a friend but I can't be happy for them instead it really pulls me down because the topic reminds me of my health issues that are kinda related... And as I currently have no one to talk to because my tongue is venomous and I just ruin everone elses minds, I have to rant it out to strangers in the internet. Maybe the more creative writing approach I took in the beginning is at least somewhat enjoyable to read. It was kind inspired by this song... https://youtu.be/FK3TDHnD1_0?list=RDFK3TDHnD1_0

Nothing is worse for a highly intelligent and gifted person to be under-challenged and underwhelmed.... Today, I came home from work crying because I realised how underchallenged and boring my work currently is. My expertise is currently not being used because customer projects come in slow and don't get to the downstream processing/purification part (I'm a specialist for protein pruification). I don't get many other opportunities to show my skills and knowledge and only do some minor backup tasks like writing working instructions...Nothing about my work currenly feels rewaring and chellengeing. I am a scientist, I love the try and error and the challenge! I thrive in that. I literally work best with stress and being overloaded with work than with being underwhelmed... On top of it I'm gettin really bad imposter syndrome because of not being able to show my expertise while my colleagues currenlty thrive and get ever opportunity to show their knowledge and expert fields. We got a new teamlead in march and so far I feel like I could not show off/prove my skille and knowledge to him while the others could. I feel like I'm standing in the shadows sometimes even being actively pushed back into them. Like a tool put in a shelf not neede for now collecting dust. It's incredibly frustrating and deressing for me because I am a scientist by heart I love my profession... Now my overthinking brain gets even to the point where I'm asking myself if they are boring me out on purpose, so I leave the company on my own accord and they don't have to fire me, because they can't without a reason.... I'm more and more thinking of actually looking for a different posititon... Maybe I'll apply for a pHD after all...

45 years ago, one of my favorite comedies was released. Star-studded cast, great writing, and I'm sure was the inspiration for Happy Gilmore...another great flick on it's own. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phagxOal7_A

I hate writing a new, or updating a current CV, taking the most mudane of tasks and spice it up! I manage people and answer phones enough said.

Looks like its time to update my CV, I had a nasty exchange with my upper managerment today; let's just say I can see the writing on the wall.

hehe writing the neshty on tumblr #girlboss #manicpixie

I nailed the interview and told them I don't see a reason why not to hire me. I am sure my skills blew them away as I've seen them writing down everthing I said... Let's see...

Just got this (finally) yesterday new Cradle Of Filth limited wooden Boxset,haven't had a chance to listen to the new album but soon enough. Much worth the wait,glad to have a new storage box and more writing and creating materials !